What am I doing?
I'm failing
I'm falling
I'm struggling
I'm dying
I'm losing it all.
What am I doing?
I don't even know anymore.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Its time to self destruct.
Hi,
My name is Jodi Gonzalez. I am a selfish, unstable, carefree imitation of a person. I go through life every day smiling, and laughing, and crying, and angry, and frustrated... but none of it is real. It's all just a reaction to those around me, the reaction that is supposed to happen... but that I don't feel the need for. I'm a pretender. I'm a liar. I'm a shell, empty on the inside. I feel nothing. I am not real. I'm a figment of your imagination. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm lovable, I'm smart, I'm silly, I'm everything you want me to be. I'm everything you need me to be, and thats why you love me. But its not real. My name is Jodi Gonzalez, and I'm not real.
My name is Jodi Gonzalez. I am a selfish, unstable, carefree imitation of a person. I go through life every day smiling, and laughing, and crying, and angry, and frustrated... but none of it is real. It's all just a reaction to those around me, the reaction that is supposed to happen... but that I don't feel the need for. I'm a pretender. I'm a liar. I'm a shell, empty on the inside. I feel nothing. I am not real. I'm a figment of your imagination. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm lovable, I'm smart, I'm silly, I'm everything you want me to be. I'm everything you need me to be, and thats why you love me. But its not real. My name is Jodi Gonzalez, and I'm not real.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Is it okay...
.... If I just drop of the face of the earth for a little while?
There is constant pressure building up in the pit of my stomach,
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here
The persistent, stinging pain of not wanting to be here creeps slowly through every last bone in my body
I feel it every day
It makes its way up my spine and penetrates my skull, crawling into my brain
boom
boom
boom
I can feel my mind swell with pain, beating against my skull
It only gets louder and louder as the day goes on
My eyes start to blur
My ears become numb
Soon all I can hear is a faint buzzing
Its that stinging pain talking:
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
LA LA LA LA LA LA
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
But I still hear it
I still feel it
I still think about it every single day.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be.
There is constant pressure building up in the pit of my stomach,
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here
The persistent, stinging pain of not wanting to be here creeps slowly through every last bone in my body
I feel it every day
It makes its way up my spine and penetrates my skull, crawling into my brain
boom
boom
boom
I can feel my mind swell with pain, beating against my skull
It only gets louder and louder as the day goes on
My eyes start to blur
My ears become numb
Soon all I can hear is a faint buzzing
Its that stinging pain talking:
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
LA LA LA LA LA LA
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
But I still hear it
I still feel it
I still think about it every single day.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Depression.
"I’ve heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just ‘cheer up.’ I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple.
Depression isn’t just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:
You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don’t have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours…too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say ‘nothing, I’m just tired.’ Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they’ll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose…anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don’t know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That’s when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you’ll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.
Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.
Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.
Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight. "
Depression isn’t just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:
You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don’t have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours…too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say ‘nothing, I’m just tired.’ Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they’ll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose…anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don’t know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That’s when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you’ll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.
Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.
Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.
Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight. "
Thursday, October 28, 2010
change.
I'm changing my life.
Monday, i'm starting fresh.
If I don't, then I will have some serious life altering issues that I would regret for the rest of time.
I have not been good.
I have not been on track like I promised myself I would be.
I've fallen so far...
I feel like I'm at my deepest lows again,
and it's really unhealthy and ruining my life.
But I am so lucky that I have a friend here that is amazing.
for once, I have a friend that has a soul that is just about as beaten up and bruised as mine.
she understands the gravity of my pain even though she hasnt gone through all the shit that I have been through...
and that is very hard for someone to do.
I feel a lot better when I talk to her.
we pulled an all nighter tonight just talking about our issues.
we can talk about really intense serious stuff that we keep locked up
and we both never judge each other...
because we both feel a lot of pain and understand what you have to do to deal with that pain sometimes.
i feel so much better that i have to talk to.
she makes me realize that i'm not the only crazy one out there...
and together, we both want to better ourselves,
and i feel like this will work, because she knows what it looks like when someone is falling...
and i love that shes a good enough friend to catch me.
Monday, i'm starting fresh.
If I don't, then I will have some serious life altering issues that I would regret for the rest of time.
I have not been good.
I have not been on track like I promised myself I would be.
I've fallen so far...
I feel like I'm at my deepest lows again,
and it's really unhealthy and ruining my life.
But I am so lucky that I have a friend here that is amazing.
for once, I have a friend that has a soul that is just about as beaten up and bruised as mine.
she understands the gravity of my pain even though she hasnt gone through all the shit that I have been through...
and that is very hard for someone to do.
I feel a lot better when I talk to her.
we pulled an all nighter tonight just talking about our issues.
we can talk about really intense serious stuff that we keep locked up
and we both never judge each other...
because we both feel a lot of pain and understand what you have to do to deal with that pain sometimes.
i feel so much better that i have to talk to.
she makes me realize that i'm not the only crazy one out there...
and together, we both want to better ourselves,
and i feel like this will work, because she knows what it looks like when someone is falling...
and i love that shes a good enough friend to catch me.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I need to stop doing drugs.
So I woke up this morning,
and the first thing that came to my mind was:
"I just got a little bit of money, I should buy $20 worth of cocaine. Sounds like a good idea, I really want some right now... and for tomorrow before class so that I can focus. Yeah, good idea."
That should not be the first thing I think when I wake up in the morning.
I feel like,
its okay to do drugs if you're with friends and partying and what not,
but I was by myself,
I wanted to do it by myself,
and I wasn't going to tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to know.
It was going to be my secret.
A secret drug habbit.
And the only time people would know about me doing drugs is when me and my friends are partying and we are all doing drugs together.
I know that its not okay.
I don't know what it was that made me think that this morning.
But I though it, and I did it.
I guess, maybe I'm so stressed out that I just need to do this to vent..
but this isn't the way to vent.
But it is my easiest option,
the quick solution to my problems.
I don't know what is going on lately.
I've been having a rough time and you can tell by the way that I'm starting to look.
I am just always tired, no matter hoe much I sleep... I am still exauhsted.
College is just so unbeliveable stressful,
and on top of it,
I have so much family drama going on back home.
I honestly don't know how to handle it anymore.
Somebody save me.
and the first thing that came to my mind was:
"I just got a little bit of money, I should buy $20 worth of cocaine. Sounds like a good idea, I really want some right now... and for tomorrow before class so that I can focus. Yeah, good idea."
That should not be the first thing I think when I wake up in the morning.
I feel like,
its okay to do drugs if you're with friends and partying and what not,
but I was by myself,
I wanted to do it by myself,
and I wasn't going to tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to know.
It was going to be my secret.
A secret drug habbit.
And the only time people would know about me doing drugs is when me and my friends are partying and we are all doing drugs together.
I know that its not okay.
I don't know what it was that made me think that this morning.
But I though it, and I did it.
I guess, maybe I'm so stressed out that I just need to do this to vent..
but this isn't the way to vent.
But it is my easiest option,
the quick solution to my problems.
I don't know what is going on lately.
I've been having a rough time and you can tell by the way that I'm starting to look.
I am just always tired, no matter hoe much I sleep... I am still exauhsted.
College is just so unbeliveable stressful,
and on top of it,
I have so much family drama going on back home.
I honestly don't know how to handle it anymore.
Somebody save me.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Waiting.
I've been waiting for you, and still nothing.
I keep trying to find you, but i have no luck.
I'm obsessed.
Yours truly,
Jodi.
I keep trying to find you, but i have no luck.
I'm obsessed.
Yours truly,
Jodi.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Serendipity.
I found him.
He was amazing.
He was smart, and cute, and forward, and stubborn, and just about everything I could ever want in a guy.
We talked a little, and we flirted a lot.
His gaze was constantly chasing mine.
The library really isn't the best place to get to know someone,
but i learned so much about him through his eyes.
That was the best part about him,
those eyes... they honestly showed every part of his soul.
He was beautiful.
His name was Sam.
But just as quick as I found him, he was gone.
It was his eyes, I couldn't get those eyes out of my mind.
I couldn't stop thinking about him and the way that he looked at me,
or the small conversation that we had.
I just couldn't stop thinking about him.
Then like it was fate, I ran into him on the complete opposite side of town from where we met.
What are the chances of running into someone like that in NYC?
We talked for a little, but he had to go.
He left me with a glimpse of hope.
"library, 10th floor, come find me please, I want to see you again."
Oh how I would love to run into him again.
I would love for another moment of serendipity to happen.
Because I can't get him out of my mind.
He was amazing.
He was smart, and cute, and forward, and stubborn, and just about everything I could ever want in a guy.
We talked a little, and we flirted a lot.
His gaze was constantly chasing mine.
The library really isn't the best place to get to know someone,
but i learned so much about him through his eyes.
That was the best part about him,
those eyes... they honestly showed every part of his soul.
He was beautiful.
His name was Sam.
But just as quick as I found him, he was gone.
It was his eyes, I couldn't get those eyes out of my mind.
I couldn't stop thinking about him and the way that he looked at me,
or the small conversation that we had.
I just couldn't stop thinking about him.
Then like it was fate, I ran into him on the complete opposite side of town from where we met.
What are the chances of running into someone like that in NYC?
We talked for a little, but he had to go.
He left me with a glimpse of hope.
"library, 10th floor, come find me please, I want to see you again."
Oh how I would love to run into him again.
I would love for another moment of serendipity to happen.
Because I can't get him out of my mind.
Busy
So busy.
I have no time in life for anything anymore,
or atleast thats what it seems like.
I always feel like I have to be on the go.
And I always am.
There is no time to slow down,
no time to take in all the beauty around me,
no time to make any friends in the process,
I am too busy for that shit.
I hate being busy.
It makes dreaming so lonely.
I have no time in life for anything anymore,
or atleast thats what it seems like.
I always feel like I have to be on the go.
And I always am.
There is no time to slow down,
no time to take in all the beauty around me,
no time to make any friends in the process,
I am too busy for that shit.
I hate being busy.
It makes dreaming so lonely.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I guess this means that I'm back.
So I have been on a blogging hiatus for months now. Lots has changed and I needed time away from the internet to think about life and to refresh my mind. Almost two months ago, I moved from rural Alaska to New York City. It’s exciting, I have a completely new life with all new people. It feels so great to be free from the drama with friends and enemies back home. Everything here is fresh.
So it has been two month since I have been here, and in those two months, I have really evaluated where I am emotionally in my life. I am, like always, so unblieveably torn about what I want in a relationship. I want a relationship, but I can’t find anyone worth staying faithful too, but I have met some guys that I really like, but I still want other guys, but I want to date the guys that I like, blah blah blah confusing and mixed signals are all that ever come out of my mind. I have met a couple of very interesting guys since I have been here. There have been some that I would love to be with, and others that I never want to see again in my life. But no matter who they are, it is all still the same as how it was when I lived in Alaska. These guys all really like me and want to date me, but it is always me that doesnt want anything to do with them. I might like them, but still, i dont want to date them. That is always how it has been and that is still how it is. When am i going to find someone that is worth while? My best friend tallis says that the only problem I have is the fact that I dont think anyone is worth it and that as soon as i stop thinking like that, i will be able to meet someone and discover that they are in fact worth my time. But i have such a problem with spending time to get to know one person and only that person. Because if i find that they aren’t worth my time, which is what usually happens, then i will have wasted my time when i could have been multitasking instead and getting t know multiple guys at once and figuring out how two different people are, opposed to just spending my time with one. But no one likes to be ‘played’ and that is what most people would see of my logic. I dont know how to change how i am. I can’t change how i am. There is not enough time in the day to fix every little thing that is wrong with me emotionally or mentally, soo what is the point in trying. I cant see myself changing, but if i dont change, i feel like i’ll be lonely forever, and i don’t want that. I want to be loved, and i want to love, but none of that is possible thanks to my fucked up way of thinking. Gaaaah.
Sorry about the rant. Im glad to be back.
So it has been two month since I have been here, and in those two months, I have really evaluated where I am emotionally in my life. I am, like always, so unblieveably torn about what I want in a relationship. I want a relationship, but I can’t find anyone worth staying faithful too, but I have met some guys that I really like, but I still want other guys, but I want to date the guys that I like, blah blah blah confusing and mixed signals are all that ever come out of my mind. I have met a couple of very interesting guys since I have been here. There have been some that I would love to be with, and others that I never want to see again in my life. But no matter who they are, it is all still the same as how it was when I lived in Alaska. These guys all really like me and want to date me, but it is always me that doesnt want anything to do with them. I might like them, but still, i dont want to date them. That is always how it has been and that is still how it is. When am i going to find someone that is worth while? My best friend tallis says that the only problem I have is the fact that I dont think anyone is worth it and that as soon as i stop thinking like that, i will be able to meet someone and discover that they are in fact worth my time. But i have such a problem with spending time to get to know one person and only that person. Because if i find that they aren’t worth my time, which is what usually happens, then i will have wasted my time when i could have been multitasking instead and getting t know multiple guys at once and figuring out how two different people are, opposed to just spending my time with one. But no one likes to be ‘played’ and that is what most people would see of my logic. I dont know how to change how i am. I can’t change how i am. There is not enough time in the day to fix every little thing that is wrong with me emotionally or mentally, soo what is the point in trying. I cant see myself changing, but if i dont change, i feel like i’ll be lonely forever, and i don’t want that. I want to be loved, and i want to love, but none of that is possible thanks to my fucked up way of thinking. Gaaaah.
Sorry about the rant. Im glad to be back.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
i hate you.
i hate you for introducing yourself to me randomly at the movies.
i hate you for always being in the same place as me.
i hate you for making me spend time with you.
i hate you for having an overly obsessive girlfriend.
i hate you for staying the night on black friday.
i hate you for not being able to hang out afterwards because of your obsessive girlfriend.
i hate you for sitting with me on the entire 14 hour boat ride, and on the 5 hour drive.
i hate you pretending that you were my boyfriend so that guys wouldnt hit on me.
i hate you for laughing when i had a thing with alex.
i hate you for being so good at keeping me entertained with your i-touch.
i hate you for making me help you make pies for your family on thanksgiving.
i hate you for making me help you make cookies for your family on christmas.
i hate you for randomly sneaking up on me and saying hi.
i hate you for that time that we became best friends, you know.. when you cried and i cried and we both cried together, then lauged and smiled.
i hate you for not being able to go to my grad dinner.
i hate you for sneaking away from your girlfriend to see me before you left for the summer.
i hate you for not coming back before i leave for college.
i hate you for the simple fact that i will miss you like crazy.
why did we have to be friends.
i hate you for always being in the same place as me.
i hate you for making me spend time with you.
i hate you for having an overly obsessive girlfriend.
i hate you for staying the night on black friday.
i hate you for not being able to hang out afterwards because of your obsessive girlfriend.
i hate you for sitting with me on the entire 14 hour boat ride, and on the 5 hour drive.
i hate you pretending that you were my boyfriend so that guys wouldnt hit on me.
i hate you for laughing when i had a thing with alex.
i hate you for being so good at keeping me entertained with your i-touch.
i hate you for making me help you make pies for your family on thanksgiving.
i hate you for making me help you make cookies for your family on christmas.
i hate you for randomly sneaking up on me and saying hi.
i hate you for that time that we became best friends, you know.. when you cried and i cried and we both cried together, then lauged and smiled.
i hate you for not being able to go to my grad dinner.
i hate you for sneaking away from your girlfriend to see me before you left for the summer.
i hate you for not coming back before i leave for college.
i hate you for the simple fact that i will miss you like crazy.
why did we have to be friends.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
secrets.
i have always been the type of person that isn't afraid to speak up. i really could care less what other people think about what i have to say. there are very few things that i hide in my life, and even those things are known by at least one person. its not that i can't keep a secret, but with my life.. i always used to feel like there was nothing to hide.
but that all changed a while back.
i have a secret, i've had this secret for about two years now.
i feel like this secret sucks me in to a world all its own..
and i could never tell anyone, ever.
sometimes, i like having this secret..
but most of the time, it controls my life.
it owns me, and it dictates everything that i do.
sometimes i want to forget about it, pretend that it never happened so that my life could be easier.
i wish things were that easy.
absolutely no one knows about this.
i hate this secret,
but i hate the thought of people finding out even more.
every day, i want to scream.
i wake up in the morning and its the first thing that comes to mind.
i go to bed and i can't fall asleep because it is all i can think about.
and when i do fall asleep, i wake up freezing in the middle of the night because this secret haunts me in my dreams.
i used to think that i controlled it,
but now i realize that it controls me..
and i don't know how to stop it.
but that all changed a while back.
i have a secret, i've had this secret for about two years now.
i feel like this secret sucks me in to a world all its own..
and i could never tell anyone, ever.
sometimes, i like having this secret..
but most of the time, it controls my life.
it owns me, and it dictates everything that i do.
sometimes i want to forget about it, pretend that it never happened so that my life could be easier.
i wish things were that easy.
absolutely no one knows about this.
i hate this secret,
but i hate the thought of people finding out even more.
every day, i want to scream.
i wake up in the morning and its the first thing that comes to mind.
i go to bed and i can't fall asleep because it is all i can think about.
and when i do fall asleep, i wake up freezing in the middle of the night because this secret haunts me in my dreams.
i used to think that i controlled it,
but now i realize that it controls me..
and i don't know how to stop it.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Dear E,
ugh. i have been putting in so much effort to make this relationship work out and almost nothing has happened. i try so hard to make you happy, i follow every one of your ridiculous but mandatory rules no matter how much it hurts me, and still... you haven't done anything for me. i'm waiting. you are hurting me, inside and out... but i am still here.. waiting for you. when are you going to do something for me? you need to hurry up and do something.. i have exactly 39 days left and you need to make your move. once i go, thats it.
hurry.
hurry.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Don't get ahead of yourselves.
As far as I see it, every friend in my life right now is replacable. I'm so ready to detach from all of the people that I have had to put up with for the past 17 years. I'm leaving, I won't keep in touch. You may need me.. but I don't need you. Don't act like you're surprised, you knew this was coming. everything has an end. forever only exists in fairy tales.
I believe that life is like a book, and there are characters in it that are there until the end... but everyone else is just there to make an appearance. You weren't meant to be there in the end... you probably shouldn't have even made it past chapter two.
you're my friend, and i love you.. but things are ever changing and we can't stay like this. it would be easier for you if you just let me go... because no matter what you say or do, i'm leaving anyways.
I believe that life is like a book, and there are characters in it that are there until the end... but everyone else is just there to make an appearance. You weren't meant to be there in the end... you probably shouldn't have even made it past chapter two.
you're my friend, and i love you.. but things are ever changing and we can't stay like this. it would be easier for you if you just let me go... because no matter what you say or do, i'm leaving anyways.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
one month... my life is going to be turned upside down.
one month... everything will be new and frieghtening.
one month... i won't have anyone to be there for me.
one month... i'll be the most scared that i have ever been, ever.
one month... i'm terrified. i'm excited. i'm nervous.
one month... i'm free.
one month... everything will be new and frieghtening.
one month... i won't have anyone to be there for me.
one month... i'll be the most scared that i have ever been, ever.
one month... i'm terrified. i'm excited. i'm nervous.
one month... i'm free.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Dear Geoclyn,
Thank you for ruining my senior year. I had made up my mind last summer that I wanted to get through senior year without the memories and the fun times that I would look back on and miss. I didn't want to go out with friends on weekends, I just wanted to focus on school, get into a good college, get scholarships, then get the fuck off of Kodiak Island. That was the plan. But you just had to go and ruin my plan that I thought out so well. I never wanted to be your best friend, Geoclyn. I just wanted to do my own thing... but not being your friend was impossible. It was like, once we started talking.. we just got closer and closer and our friendship grew so fast. As soon as I knew it, I was sharing my whole life with you, my best friend. I always liked the fact we always got each other, that our friendship was effortless. I liked that we could be sitting in your room doing nothing, but still be having the funnest time in the world. You are one of the few people that I just get along with, straight up.. no questions asked. I love all of our random conversations and the fact that it isn't a sleepover unless we have two bags of kettle chips, because one of the flavors tastes better in the morning. I love that you like Dean while I like Sam... we'd never have to fight over our men, except to argue about who is more attractive(sam wins by the way.. tall sexy brunettes, mmm :]. And I love that no matter how much we talk to each other and how much time we spend together, we never run out of things to say.. there is always more to talk about on our late night phone calls. And most of all, I love that no matter how crazy/insane/unlogical I was, you were always there shaking your head at me while listening to the stories. So Geoclyn, thank you for ruining the plans that I had for my senior year. Now i'm going to go off to college all the way across the country and when someone eats kettle chips, I'll think about how that was basically all we ate (and apples&peanutbutter/carmel). I'll hear Taylor Swift, and I'm automatically going to think about Black Friday, singing so loudly with you and Isaac. I'm going to watch the new season of Supernatural, and i'm going to have to call you just so that I can tell you that Sam was way hotter than Dean because Sam cut off his wierd girl bangs. My year didn't go the way that I had wanted thanks to you, and I'm so glad. Looking back at all of these memories makes me smile and laugh and I never want to forget any of the things that we did or said because you are one of my best friends. I hope that we can make even more memories before I have to go, and I hope that you will always remain in my life as one of my best friends. I love you GrandTheftAuto.
-JAG
-JAG
Monday, June 14, 2010
i want to get out so bad that it hurts.
i can feel it crawling through my fingers,
making its way up my arms,
engulfing my back,
spinning up my spine,
seeping into my brain,
it hurts.
this place is holding me back.
this place doesn't inspire me anymore.
this place has too many memories..
most of them bad.
this place clouds my thoughts.
this place tightens my heart.
this place is my hell on earth.
i'm so close to being out of here and i can feel it in my bones every day.
every day it hurts more and more.
i feel like i'm going to break,
but i can't die here.
i wont.
i can feel it crawling through my fingers,
making its way up my arms,
engulfing my back,
spinning up my spine,
seeping into my brain,
it hurts.
this place is holding me back.
this place doesn't inspire me anymore.
this place has too many memories..
most of them bad.
this place clouds my thoughts.
this place tightens my heart.
this place is my hell on earth.
i'm so close to being out of here and i can feel it in my bones every day.
every day it hurts more and more.
i feel like i'm going to break,
but i can't die here.
i wont.
Monday, May 31, 2010
i held your hand and we walked around the town. the crowds turned just to watch us together, to see how we interact. the perfect couple, they say. we're different, but we just fit. they gossip as they watch us walk and laugh, hand in hand. occasionally the curious bystander will ask how long we've been together. i immediately say "no. we aren't together." and i see the look on your face. disappointment. we get away from the crowd to just sit, to just talk. you say that we know each other better than anyone else, but yet you still bring up the same conversation every time. how many times do i need to tell you that i don't love you. how many times does it take to finally sink into your skull. if you knew me so well, you wouldn't have to ask. you're still around, and that's great. but every time we have that conversation, i inch further and further away from you. if you knew me so well, you wouldn't try and force me into doing things that you know i can't do. i'm glad you're around, but i can't be who you want me to be. i would rather have you leave and hate me then spend all of your spare time trying to convince me to love you. it doesn't work like that. i don't love, and i probably never will.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
i just want to feel something
every day i try so hard to feel.
i spend hours and hours every day trying to convince myself that i really love my friends and my family. but its a lie. sure, i'm fond of them... its nice having them around, but they are all easily replaceable. the lack of their presence doesn't effect me, and i know thats wrong. so i try as hard as i can to pretend that i feel something for them. that i care whats going on. but i don't.
no matter how hard i try, i can't feel a thing.
i want to feel love.
i want to feel hate.
but instead i'm stuck with not feeling anything at all.
i just want to feel.
i spend hours and hours every day trying to convince myself that i really love my friends and my family. but its a lie. sure, i'm fond of them... its nice having them around, but they are all easily replaceable. the lack of their presence doesn't effect me, and i know thats wrong. so i try as hard as i can to pretend that i feel something for them. that i care whats going on. but i don't.
no matter how hard i try, i can't feel a thing.
i want to feel love.
i want to feel hate.
but instead i'm stuck with not feeling anything at all.
i just want to feel.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
SEX.
don't read this if you don't want to know my dirty thoughts typed out for the world to see.
I've been thinking about this for the longest time. This thought is a daily occurrence.
I love having sex.
I just love it. Everything about sex, i love. It's not just the pleasure... that is hardly it at all. It's the rush I get when I'm with someone that I'm not supposed to be with. It's the excitement that I get when knowing that I have to sneak around. It's the feeling that I get when I have a dirty secret that is hidden so well in plain sight.
I love the spontaneity... ripping off each others clothes, hoping that no one else walks in.
I love lust.
It's crazy to think about all of the things that I would do.
Sometimes I want to have a boyfriend... just so that I would have someone to have sex with all the time. but I know it would never work out... because right when I see another guy that I'm attracted too, if I have the chance... I would undoubtedly have sex with him. protected of course.
I love the game. and I play the game like it's fucking Monopoly. and I do it with a smile on my pretty little face. I absolutely hate when feelings get attached. It ruins everything. Sex turns into "making love"... and I don't want to make love with anyone. I just want to fuck.
sadly, I think that my parents did a really shitty job in raising me. normal people don't think like that, and i've found that out the hard way. i guess that everything leads back to how your parents treated you when you were little. i blame them for this.
I've been thinking about this for the longest time. This thought is a daily occurrence.
I love having sex.
I just love it. Everything about sex, i love. It's not just the pleasure... that is hardly it at all. It's the rush I get when I'm with someone that I'm not supposed to be with. It's the excitement that I get when knowing that I have to sneak around. It's the feeling that I get when I have a dirty secret that is hidden so well in plain sight.
I love the spontaneity... ripping off each others clothes, hoping that no one else walks in.
I love lust.
It's crazy to think about all of the things that I would do.
Sometimes I want to have a boyfriend... just so that I would have someone to have sex with all the time. but I know it would never work out... because right when I see another guy that I'm attracted too, if I have the chance... I would undoubtedly have sex with him. protected of course.
I love the game. and I play the game like it's fucking Monopoly. and I do it with a smile on my pretty little face. I absolutely hate when feelings get attached. It ruins everything. Sex turns into "making love"... and I don't want to make love with anyone. I just want to fuck.
sadly, I think that my parents did a really shitty job in raising me. normal people don't think like that, and i've found that out the hard way. i guess that everything leads back to how your parents treated you when you were little. i blame them for this.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
don't tell anyone.
i'm going to say something that i have a really hard time admitting.
i can't lie to myself anymore.
I miss my mom.
I am so angry with her for leaving.
I am so angry with her for not fighting harder.
I am so angry with god for letting her get sick.
I miss her. I think about how I hardly have any memories with her, and it makes me so mad. She should be here, she should be watching me grow up, she should be watching me graduate, she should be seeing me off to college, she should just be here. I want her to be in my life. I hope she looks down from heaven and sees that my soul started to break the day that she got sick. every day since then my soul has gotten shattered into smaller and smaller pieces until there was nothing left but dust which has gotten blown away by every breathe that i couldn't take. I hope she sees that my heart fell through the cracks in my ribs the day that she died. she left me without a beat, unable to love, unable to care. and worst of all, I hate that I can't stand in front of a mirror and look myself in the eyes without seeing her. I hate that I can't speak a single word without hearing her. I hate that my dad looks at me with that melancholy expression because I remind him of her. I just want her back.
i can't lie to myself anymore.
I miss my mom.
I am so angry with her for leaving.
I am so angry with her for not fighting harder.
I am so angry with god for letting her get sick.
I miss her. I think about how I hardly have any memories with her, and it makes me so mad. She should be here, she should be watching me grow up, she should be watching me graduate, she should be seeing me off to college, she should just be here. I want her to be in my life. I hope she looks down from heaven and sees that my soul started to break the day that she got sick. every day since then my soul has gotten shattered into smaller and smaller pieces until there was nothing left but dust which has gotten blown away by every breathe that i couldn't take. I hope she sees that my heart fell through the cracks in my ribs the day that she died. she left me without a beat, unable to love, unable to care. and worst of all, I hate that I can't stand in front of a mirror and look myself in the eyes without seeing her. I hate that I can't speak a single word without hearing her. I hate that my dad looks at me with that melancholy expression because I remind him of her. I just want her back.
Friday, April 9, 2010
breathe.
breathe.
breathe.
count to three.
one.
two.
three.
breathe.
when did everything get so complicated?
when did it become hard to breathe,
hard to think,
hard to live,
hard to be,
when?
i built this wall to keep people out,
but now i find that all it does is keep me in.
i want to get out.
i want to show you who i am.
i want to show you what i can do.
i want to show you why i'm worth the fight.
but i trapped myself in here,
and i've been trying so hard to get out
but nothing works.
i need your help to escape
but no one can hear me screaming from behind here.
i am yelling at the top of my lungs
can you hear me?
can you see it in my eyes?
can you feel it in my touch?
i'm stuck
and i need you.
if only you could hear every little thing that i can't say.
please figure it out,
i want to get out of here alive.
breathe.
breathe.
count to three.
one.
two.
three.
breathe.
when did everything get so complicated?
when did it become hard to breathe,
hard to think,
hard to live,
hard to be,
when?
i built this wall to keep people out,
but now i find that all it does is keep me in.
i want to get out.
i want to show you who i am.
i want to show you what i can do.
i want to show you why i'm worth the fight.
but i trapped myself in here,
and i've been trying so hard to get out
but nothing works.
i need your help to escape
but no one can hear me screaming from behind here.
i am yelling at the top of my lungs
can you hear me?
can you see it in my eyes?
can you feel it in my touch?
i'm stuck
and i need you.
if only you could hear every little thing that i can't say.
please figure it out,
i want to get out of here alive.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
admission: denied.
how could i not get in?
how is it that one letter in the mail can ruin all of the hopes and dreams that i had for my life?
i didn't get in.
silver lining: there is none.
how is it that one letter in the mail can ruin all of the hopes and dreams that i had for my life?
i didn't get in.
silver lining: there is none.
i definitely lied. happiness never lasts. i don't know what i was thinking.
a while back, i did something...
and it was like lighting a match,
it could either bring light into my life and make everything seem clearer
or it could just set my world on fire.
i can't undo everything.
i can't put out the flames.
i lit that match naively.
i couldn't see the cloud of gas that was just waiting for a spark.
and now everything i touch combusts.
and everything else is left burnt and destroyed.
nothing but ashes left in the space that used to be my life.
how do i fix this?
a while back, i did something...
and it was like lighting a match,
it could either bring light into my life and make everything seem clearer
or it could just set my world on fire.
i can't undo everything.
i can't put out the flames.
i lit that match naively.
i couldn't see the cloud of gas that was just waiting for a spark.
and now everything i touch combusts.
and everything else is left burnt and destroyed.
nothing but ashes left in the space that used to be my life.
how do i fix this?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
dear blog,
i really don't know what to write. i have no idea idea what to tell you. there is so much on my mind, i'm just not quite sure how to get it all out and make sense at the the same time. if you asked asked me how i am, i would tell you that i'm fine. we both know that it's a lie. but you know what, so much has happened that i don't even know how to complain about it anymore. i just sit there and roll with the punches, because what else am i supposed to do. nothing seems to work, so why not just let it be.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
do you ever just want to be loved,
not necessarily by a guy... but just loved in general?
i thought that i could do without it.
i always figured... i've been doing everything on my own since i was little, i don't need anyone else; i don't need their approval, i don't need their support, and i don't need their love.
ever since i could remember, my dad was never around. he was always too busy with work or god knows what. my mother was spread so thin between her kids, her job, her friends, and then her cancer took it all, her cancer took her life.
growing up, all that i had was me. sure, i had friends... but i can say right now that i have never let any of my friend in 100%. i would say that the most i have ever let a friend in leaves them knowing only half the story. there were always details twisted or just left out in general because i have never trusted anyone wholly.
i wish that i could say that there is someone in my life that knows absolutely everything.. someone that knows what i'm thinking or how i feel without me having to explain. someone that just knows me inside and out, that loves me for who i am.. flaws and all. the sad part is, even if there is someone out there... chances are, i will never let them in completely.
my heart is too small to let anybody else inside.
not necessarily by a guy... but just loved in general?
i thought that i could do without it.
i always figured... i've been doing everything on my own since i was little, i don't need anyone else; i don't need their approval, i don't need their support, and i don't need their love.
ever since i could remember, my dad was never around. he was always too busy with work or god knows what. my mother was spread so thin between her kids, her job, her friends, and then her cancer took it all, her cancer took her life.
growing up, all that i had was me. sure, i had friends... but i can say right now that i have never let any of my friend in 100%. i would say that the most i have ever let a friend in leaves them knowing only half the story. there were always details twisted or just left out in general because i have never trusted anyone wholly.
i wish that i could say that there is someone in my life that knows absolutely everything.. someone that knows what i'm thinking or how i feel without me having to explain. someone that just knows me inside and out, that loves me for who i am.. flaws and all. the sad part is, even if there is someone out there... chances are, i will never let them in completely.
my heart is too small to let anybody else inside.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
something is seriously wrong with me.
i keep saying no to myself...
because its the right thing to do,
but everything other than my mind says yes
and my mind just can't win the fight.
i try so hard to stop it all from happening.
i lock myself away,
i make excuses,
i try to convince myself
that its so wrong to do
but it always ends up happening.
inevitable.
unavoidable.
compulsory.
maybe it's fate.
maybe it's supposed to happen like this.
maybe i'll learn something from it.
or maybe i just need better control over my impulses.
more importantly...
i promised her that i wouldn't.
i told her that she could trust me.
i became her friend.
i lied to her face.
i've been sleeping with her boyfriend.
i should feel horrible,
but i just want to do it again.
something is seriously wrong with me.
i keep saying no to myself...
because its the right thing to do,
but everything other than my mind says yes
and my mind just can't win the fight.
i try so hard to stop it all from happening.
i lock myself away,
i make excuses,
i try to convince myself
that its so wrong to do
but it always ends up happening.
inevitable.
unavoidable.
compulsory.
maybe it's fate.
maybe it's supposed to happen like this.
maybe i'll learn something from it.
or maybe i just need better control over my impulses.
more importantly...
i promised her that i wouldn't.
i told her that she could trust me.
i became her friend.
i lied to her face.
i've been sleeping with her boyfriend.
i should feel horrible,
but i just want to do it again.
something is seriously wrong with me.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
So True.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
~Neil Gaiman
~Neil Gaiman
Saturday, February 27, 2010
hey.
F
U
C
K
Y
O
U
.
3 more months. three more months of hell, then done with that shit-hole of a learning facility.
3 more months and I'm done.
U
C
K
Y
O
U
.
3 more months. three more months of hell, then done with that shit-hole of a learning facility.
3 more months and I'm done.
Friday, February 12, 2010
self destruct
why do i keep hitting myself with a hammer?
...because it feels so good when i stop.
i'm starting to feel like every mistake that i have made was because i wanted to subconsciously screw myself over... because if nothing is wrong, then i'll just have to feel good. and maybe i'm afraid to just... i dont know, be happy.
...because it feels so good when i stop.
i'm starting to feel like every mistake that i have made was because i wanted to subconsciously screw myself over... because if nothing is wrong, then i'll just have to feel good. and maybe i'm afraid to just... i dont know, be happy.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
wow
i never realized how much i missed you until today, until i got you back into my life for that short 30 minutes.
my best friend. we have been best friends since the 6th grade. i have so many memories with you, memories that i forgot about until today. i had the time of my life talking about the past with you.
i forgot how great we get along, and i forgot that i can tell you anything. i have been through so much with you, so much bad. you were there for me when my mom died, and when my grandma died, and when my family was just shitty. and i was there for you through all of the heartbreaks that you went through, and i had forgotten how fragile your heart was.
so many of my firsts were with you: first drink, first smoke, first shoplifting, first anything illegal; it was all with you. we always had such a good time, even if we were doing nothing. it used to be just you and me, unstoppable.
i don't know what happened to us. we just lost touch. we stopped talking. and i forgot about all of the wonderful and horrible things that made you the best friend that i have ever had.
spending that time with you made me realize how much has changed. i miss when everything was black and white, courtnie and jodi. now its just dull shades of gray. i missed you so much, it hurts to think about it now.
i want us to be those two friends again.
friends forever.
my best friend. we have been best friends since the 6th grade. i have so many memories with you, memories that i forgot about until today. i had the time of my life talking about the past with you.
i forgot how great we get along, and i forgot that i can tell you anything. i have been through so much with you, so much bad. you were there for me when my mom died, and when my grandma died, and when my family was just shitty. and i was there for you through all of the heartbreaks that you went through, and i had forgotten how fragile your heart was.
so many of my firsts were with you: first drink, first smoke, first shoplifting, first anything illegal; it was all with you. we always had such a good time, even if we were doing nothing. it used to be just you and me, unstoppable.
i don't know what happened to us. we just lost touch. we stopped talking. and i forgot about all of the wonderful and horrible things that made you the best friend that i have ever had.
spending that time with you made me realize how much has changed. i miss when everything was black and white, courtnie and jodi. now its just dull shades of gray. i missed you so much, it hurts to think about it now.
i want us to be those two friends again.
friends forever.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
look at the night
the stars. celestial bodies of hot gases that radiate energy. glowing explosions of fire, floating around aimlessly in that never ending darkness. something so small leaves so many in awe.
she wants to be like a star. she wants to radiate an amazing energy that leaves everyone in awe. she wants to glow, to have an illuminating presence, even in the never ending darkness.
so she set herself on fire, only to glow like the stars.
she wants to be like a star. she wants to radiate an amazing energy that leaves everyone in awe. she wants to glow, to have an illuminating presence, even in the never ending darkness.
so she set herself on fire, only to glow like the stars.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
afraid.
i just realized that i am completely afraid of myself and my decision process. most of the things that i would do, scare the shit out of me. its not that... i'm scared of the dark type of scared, but the... i can't believe that i did that, type of scared. i can't believe a lot of things. but mostly, i can't believe the decisions that i would make. its like i never learn. its like i never grow from my mistakes. i would just repeat them over and over again, because logically, i see nothing wrong with what i am doing. but truly, what i am doing is so wrong. i can't help myself.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
belle of the boulevard
the sound of an old guitar
is saving you from sinking
its a long way down
i'm trying to come to terms with what has happened and what is happening. i don't know how i am going to get through any of this.
sometimes i can't breathe.
i don't know how to feel about the things i've done.
sometimes i want to stay,
and other times...
i just want to turn around and run as fast as physically possible.
i want to run significantly more than i want to stay.
but then certain things happen,
small things.
and i realize that...
i can't leave just yet.
its not over.
none of it is over.
those little things are keeping me alive.
is saving you from sinking
its a long way down
i'm trying to come to terms with what has happened and what is happening. i don't know how i am going to get through any of this.
sometimes i can't breathe.
i don't know how to feel about the things i've done.
sometimes i want to stay,
and other times...
i just want to turn around and run as fast as physically possible.
i want to run significantly more than i want to stay.
but then certain things happen,
small things.
and i realize that...
i can't leave just yet.
its not over.
none of it is over.
those little things are keeping me alive.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Lust
sometimes i just can't help myself. i want to do all of those dirty little things with the guys that i know that i shouldn't touch. but i can't help it. lust. i always figured that it was okay as long as no one found out, but then i have this cloud of guilt over my head, and i always end up disappointing people.
i'm addicted to the feeling. the feeling that you get when you really like someone... that fluttering in your heart, and that twisting of your stomach. the jitters. the butterflies. all of those things. that is how i feel when i'm hooking up with someone that i know i shouldn't be with. and i'm addicted to the feeling. one good hookup can get me on that high for days. not having that feeling is the worst, it's like nicotine withdrawals, horrible.
everyone that i have ever been with, i know that i shouldn't have. it was either the time, or the place, or the person that was wrong. but no matter what it was, i still did it. sometimes i seek out the bad situation because it just heightens the feeling. synergy.
something is wrong with me.
i'm addicted to the feeling. the feeling that you get when you really like someone... that fluttering in your heart, and that twisting of your stomach. the jitters. the butterflies. all of those things. that is how i feel when i'm hooking up with someone that i know i shouldn't be with. and i'm addicted to the feeling. one good hookup can get me on that high for days. not having that feeling is the worst, it's like nicotine withdrawals, horrible.
everyone that i have ever been with, i know that i shouldn't have. it was either the time, or the place, or the person that was wrong. but no matter what it was, i still did it. sometimes i seek out the bad situation because it just heightens the feeling. synergy.
something is wrong with me.
Monday, January 25, 2010
repercussion
all of my mistakes have repercussions.
i can deal with that.
but when all of the repercussions happen at once,
i will break.
i am breaking.
consequence after consequence after consequence.
when is it going to stop?
i have made a lot of mistakes,
and i can see this going forever...
but i can't take any more.
everything that i have worked for has fallen to the ground. my life, shattered on the floor in little pieces. it can't be glued back together. i can't just simply buy a new one. what i had, is all gone... there is no getting it back. what do you do when you have nothing left?
i can deal with that.
but when all of the repercussions happen at once,
i will break.
i am breaking.
consequence after consequence after consequence.
when is it going to stop?
i have made a lot of mistakes,
and i can see this going forever...
but i can't take any more.
everything that i have worked for has fallen to the ground. my life, shattered on the floor in little pieces. it can't be glued back together. i can't just simply buy a new one. what i had, is all gone... there is no getting it back. what do you do when you have nothing left?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
rapture
due to recent events, my family is forcing me to go on a 40 day path of enlightenment. i start tomorrow. my body will supposedly be rid of all of the evils of the human world. no food for 40 days. instead of eating, i'm supposed to engulf myself in scriptures and the word of god.
on most days, i would be highly reluctant to any ideas that my aunt has about bettering my life... but i think that this might actually be interesting. that if i turned it into something more than just exploring the christian religion, it would be beneficial. i'm about to have 40 days of hunger and self exploration.
wish me luck.
on most days, i would be highly reluctant to any ideas that my aunt has about bettering my life... but i think that this might actually be interesting. that if i turned it into something more than just exploring the christian religion, it would be beneficial. i'm about to have 40 days of hunger and self exploration.
wish me luck.
Friday, January 22, 2010
geoclyn and monique...
i needed you today.
i've needed you ever since i got home.
i called,
and i called,
and i called,
and you both didn't answer.
it wouldn't have mattered most days...
but today,
i really needed you.
and you weren't there.
i laid in my bed and cried,
and i called,
and you weren't there.
i took those pills to forget,
and i called,
and you weren't there.
i laid down,
shaking from the high,
and i called,
and you weren't there.
i don't know what else to say.
other than that...
i needed you today,
way more than i do on most days...
and you weren't there,
and i fell apart today...
i needed you.
but you weren't there.
he hit me... he hit me today. i came home from school and my uncle was pissed about something, i have no idea what it was. maybe it was everything. but none the less, he was pissed, and i always have an "attitude". so he hit me in the face, then he pushed me to the ground. he told me that i am a disgrace to my entire family. he told me that i will never do anything in life but fuck up. he told me that he feels bad that my father has me as a daughter. i cried. i ran to my father, crying. i told him that my uncle had hit me, and he asks me what i did wrong. he asks me what i did to provoke him. he told me that it was my fault, and he told me not to make my uncle mad. he told me to apologize. i locked myself in my room and did what any normal teenage girl would do, i sat in my closet and cried for hours.
thank you for being there for me. best friends forever.
i've needed you ever since i got home.
i called,
and i called,
and i called,
and you both didn't answer.
it wouldn't have mattered most days...
but today,
i really needed you.
and you weren't there.
i laid in my bed and cried,
and i called,
and you weren't there.
i took those pills to forget,
and i called,
and you weren't there.
i laid down,
shaking from the high,
and i called,
and you weren't there.
i don't know what else to say.
other than that...
i needed you today,
way more than i do on most days...
and you weren't there,
and i fell apart today...
i needed you.
but you weren't there.
he hit me... he hit me today. i came home from school and my uncle was pissed about something, i have no idea what it was. maybe it was everything. but none the less, he was pissed, and i always have an "attitude". so he hit me in the face, then he pushed me to the ground. he told me that i am a disgrace to my entire family. he told me that i will never do anything in life but fuck up. he told me that he feels bad that my father has me as a daughter. i cried. i ran to my father, crying. i told him that my uncle had hit me, and he asks me what i did wrong. he asks me what i did to provoke him. he told me that it was my fault, and he told me not to make my uncle mad. he told me to apologize. i locked myself in my room and did what any normal teenage girl would do, i sat in my closet and cried for hours.
thank you for being there for me. best friends forever.
secret #57
i love this high. most people dont like skittles.. i love them enough for everyone on my island that hates them. yum. it feels good and bad at the same time. just the right balance. numbing... drunk and stoned. tingly and cold. i love it.
weekend.
weekends are supposed to be about fun. go out, have a good time with your friends. get your mind off the stress of school.
i can't go. i don't want to go. i feel this magnetic force attracting me to my bed, the hold that it has on me is strong. i have absolutely zero motivation to hang out with my friends. it sounds like a good idea... it sounds like a lot of fun... but i just can't do it. i want to sleep. i want to just lay here. i think that breaking away might make things easier when its time for me to go. maybe its for the best.
i shut the door.
alone in my room.
phew... now i'm free.
i can be who i want,
with no pressure from anyone.
i can be who i want,
i can just be free.
please excuse me while i change into myself.
i need a few seconds to live my life.
i can't go. i don't want to go. i feel this magnetic force attracting me to my bed, the hold that it has on me is strong. i have absolutely zero motivation to hang out with my friends. it sounds like a good idea... it sounds like a lot of fun... but i just can't do it. i want to sleep. i want to just lay here. i think that breaking away might make things easier when its time for me to go. maybe its for the best.
i shut the door.
alone in my room.
phew... now i'm free.
i can be who i want,
with no pressure from anyone.
i can be who i want,
i can just be free.
please excuse me while i change into myself.
i need a few seconds to live my life.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
spinning.
I used to do it for the rush, the lightheadedness that I used to get. It was a completely natural high that I loved so much. But now it just seems as if the spinning is getting out of control. I can't stop. The things that we do define who we are, so what does this make me? I honestly have no clue who I am or what I really want. I've been so busy focusing on my family all of my life that I never actually spent time considering who I am, or the kind of person that I want to be. I'm left here with this secretly empty personality, just confused about life.
Sometimes I do it because I know that it will make my father mad. Because getting his attention in a bad way would be better than not having his attention at all.
Sometimes I do it because it makes me forget about everything else that is going on around me, it's a short escape from reality into a world of complete ecstasy. It feels great to just forget.
Sometimes I do it because I miss my mother. I would love for her to come into my room and tell me to stop, and sometimes I pretend that if I continue with my actions, that she will come back and force me to change. I would give the world for her to be here. Since she died, things have completely spun out of control. And they just keep spinning.
I want it to stop.
Sometimes I do it because I know that it will make my father mad. Because getting his attention in a bad way would be better than not having his attention at all.
Sometimes I do it because it makes me forget about everything else that is going on around me, it's a short escape from reality into a world of complete ecstasy. It feels great to just forget.
Sometimes I do it because I miss my mother. I would love for her to come into my room and tell me to stop, and sometimes I pretend that if I continue with my actions, that she will come back and force me to change. I would give the world for her to be here. Since she died, things have completely spun out of control. And they just keep spinning.
I want it to stop.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
afraid for tomorrow.
I have court tomorrow. I am so unbelievably afraid that I have screwed up my life beyond repair, and for what? A couple of days of drunken fun. It was definitely not worth it. Now it's too late to go back and change what has happened, I just have to accept my fate. I'm not exactly afraid that the consequences will be horrible, I'm more afraid that I won't be strong enough to deal with this. I'm afraid that I will just cave in. I'm afraid that there will be no coming back.
The pain I hold in every day is becoming greater and greater as time passes. I can feel it coursing through my veins, pulsating underneath my skin in sync with the beat of my heart. I can feel it frigidly crawling down my arms and legs, taking over my entire being. It spills out of my ears and bleeds out of my eyes. I am engorged in this pain. I just want it to stop.
The pain I hold in every day is becoming greater and greater as time passes. I can feel it coursing through my veins, pulsating underneath my skin in sync with the beat of my heart. I can feel it frigidly crawling down my arms and legs, taking over my entire being. It spills out of my ears and bleeds out of my eyes. I am engorged in this pain. I just want it to stop.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
sometimes...
the hero has to die in the end.
its hard to overcome all the evil by the end of the story.
i laid here all day. i couldn't find the strength to just get up... so i laid there, awake and upset. maybe tomorrow will be better, or maybe tomorrow will be the same.
its hard to overcome all the evil by the end of the story.
i laid here all day. i couldn't find the strength to just get up... so i laid there, awake and upset. maybe tomorrow will be better, or maybe tomorrow will be the same.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
dreaming.
I cried today. Waking up was hard, leaving my dreams is hard. I treasure every moment of sleep that I can get, because in my dreams... everything isn't exactly perfect, but at least I'm not alone. I dread waking up alone, sometimes wishing that my dreams would come true. The thought that I would wake up every morning by myself only pushes me to sleep longer. Sleeping to avoid the facts, I am alone. I just want a warm body to fall asleep with at night and wake up with in the morning. I just want a hand to hold mine.
I'm starting to think that who I'm with is no longer important, as long as I'm with somebody... it will all be better. I want someone, anyone. I am tired of being alone. Most of all, I am tired of pretending that being alone doesn't bother me. I want to scream.
So goodnight. I'm ready to dream.
I'm starting to think that who I'm with is no longer important, as long as I'm with somebody... it will all be better. I want someone, anyone. I am tired of being alone. Most of all, I am tired of pretending that being alone doesn't bother me. I want to scream.
So goodnight. I'm ready to dream.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
01/13/10
i am screaming so loud.
my soul is dying.
i don't want to be alone.
but i'm scared to ask you not to leave me.
a little more of my heart is gone today,
i'm starting to just accept it.
no matter how much it hurts.
i still quit.
my soul is dying.
i don't want to be alone.
but i'm scared to ask you not to leave me.
a little more of my heart is gone today,
i'm starting to just accept it.
no matter how much it hurts.
i still quit.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
god.
i'm so sick of hiding how i feel on the inside. i'm breaking. i'm sad. i'm frustrated. i'm scared. i'm unhappy. i'm in so much pain.
why does this have to hurt.
why does this have to hurt.
this isn't the life that i ordered.
Hi, my name is Jodi-Anne Gonzalez and my life has completely crumbled to the ground.
Well, to start things off... I have never really had much of a life to begin with. I have a few good friends, a couple of addictions, and a handful of issues. It's never really been that bad, I've dealt with it, I've built character from it all... but lately, everything seems to be unraveling.
I'm not even going to get into the logistics of what is going on in my life, just know that after everything that I have been through... I feel like my heart can't break anymore than it already has. My heart is literally to the point where it can't be fixed, shattered into a million pieces. It just hurts, everything just hurts. I can't breathe.
Fuck the character building experiences. The more that I go through, the more I feel like I'm fading away. I have nothing to say anymore, everything goes bad, so I just don't care anymore. Anything else, and I'll be gone forever.
I just want to give up. I am so unbelievably sick of defending myself to people that don't even deserve my time. I don't want to have to fight about the truth, because no matter what i say, people will think what they want. Its a never ending and completely pointless battle, but for some reason... I feel like I have to fight, like I can't just leave things the way that they are and get over it. But it's pointless. I'm sick of it, I can't take anymore of it. I am completely fading into the sea of rumors and bad thoughts that are being said right now. I feel like if I just give up, if i just give in, and let the sea of rumors flow, that things would be easier, that it would be easier to just drown in it all.
So here's where it ends.. I give up.
Well, to start things off... I have never really had much of a life to begin with. I have a few good friends, a couple of addictions, and a handful of issues. It's never really been that bad, I've dealt with it, I've built character from it all... but lately, everything seems to be unraveling.
I'm not even going to get into the logistics of what is going on in my life, just know that after everything that I have been through... I feel like my heart can't break anymore than it already has. My heart is literally to the point where it can't be fixed, shattered into a million pieces. It just hurts, everything just hurts. I can't breathe.
Fuck the character building experiences. The more that I go through, the more I feel like I'm fading away. I have nothing to say anymore, everything goes bad, so I just don't care anymore. Anything else, and I'll be gone forever.
I just want to give up. I am so unbelievably sick of defending myself to people that don't even deserve my time. I don't want to have to fight about the truth, because no matter what i say, people will think what they want. Its a never ending and completely pointless battle, but for some reason... I feel like I have to fight, like I can't just leave things the way that they are and get over it. But it's pointless. I'm sick of it, I can't take anymore of it. I am completely fading into the sea of rumors and bad thoughts that are being said right now. I feel like if I just give up, if i just give in, and let the sea of rumors flow, that things would be easier, that it would be easier to just drown in it all.
So here's where it ends.. I give up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)