spinning.

I used to do it for the rush, the lightheadedness that I used to get. It was a completely natural high that I loved so much. But now it just seems as if the spinning is getting out of control. I can't stop. The things that we do define who we are, so what does this make me? I honestly have no clue who I am or what I really want. I've been so busy focusing on my family all of my life that I never actually spent time considering who I am, or the kind of person that I want to be. I'm left here with this secretly empty personality, just confused about life.

Sometimes I do it because I know that it will make my father mad. Because getting his attention in a bad way would be better than not having his attention at all.

Sometimes I do it because it makes me forget about everything else that is going on around me, it's a short escape from reality into a world of complete ecstasy. It feels great to just forget.

Sometimes I do it because I miss my mother. I would love for her to come into my room and tell me to stop, and sometimes I pretend that if I continue with my actions, that she will come back and force me to change. I would give the world for her to be here. Since she died, things have completely spun out of control. And they just keep spinning.

I want it to stop.