don't tell anyone.

i'm going to say something that i have a really hard time admitting.
i can't lie to myself anymore.


I miss my mom.
I am so angry with her for leaving.
I am so angry with her for not fighting harder.
I am so angry with god for letting her get sick.
I miss her. I think about how I hardly have any memories with her, and it makes me so mad. She should be here, she should be watching me grow up, she should be watching me graduate, she should be seeing me off to college, she should just be here. I want her to be in my life. I hope she looks down from heaven and sees that my soul started to break the day that she got sick. every day since then my soul has gotten shattered into smaller and smaller pieces until there was nothing left but dust which has gotten blown away by every breathe that i couldn't take. I hope she sees that my heart fell through the cracks in my ribs the day that she died. she left me without a beat, unable to love, unable to care. and worst of all, I hate that I can't stand in front of a mirror and look myself in the eyes without seeing her. I hate that I can't speak a single word without hearing her. I hate that my dad looks at me with that melancholy expression because I remind him of her. I just want her back.