afraid.

i just realized that i am completely afraid of myself and my decision process. most of the things that i would do, scare the shit out of me. its not that... i'm scared of the dark type of scared, but the... i can't believe that i did that, type of scared. i can't believe a lot of things. but mostly, i can't believe the decisions that i would make. its like i never learn. its like i never grow from my mistakes. i would just repeat them over and over again, because logically, i see nothing wrong with what i am doing. but truly, what i am doing is so wrong. i can't help myself.

belle of the boulevard

the sound of an old guitar
is saving you from sinking
its a long way down

i'm trying to come to terms with what has happened and what is happening. i don't know how i am going to get through any of this.

sometimes i can't breathe.

i don't know how to feel about the things i've done.
sometimes i want to stay,
and other times...
i just want to turn around and run as fast as physically possible.
i want to run significantly more than i want to stay.
but then certain things happen,
small things.
and i realize that...
i can't leave just yet.
its not over.
none of it is over.

those little things are keeping me alive.

Lust

sometimes i just can't help myself. i want to do all of those dirty little things with the guys that i know that i shouldn't touch. but i can't help it. lust. i always figured that it was okay as long as no one found out, but then i have this cloud of guilt over my head, and i always end up disappointing people.

i'm addicted to the feeling. the feeling that you get when you really like someone... that fluttering in your heart, and that twisting of your stomach. the jitters. the butterflies. all of those things. that is how i feel when i'm hooking up with someone that i know i shouldn't be with. and i'm addicted to the feeling. one good hookup can get me on that high for days. not having that feeling is the worst, it's like nicotine withdrawals, horrible.

everyone that i have ever been with, i know that i shouldn't have. it was either the time, or the place, or the person that was wrong. but no matter what it was, i still did it. sometimes i seek out the bad situation because it just heightens the feeling. synergy.

something is wrong with me.

repercussion

all of my mistakes have repercussions.
i can deal with that.
but when all of the repercussions happen at once,
i will break.
i am breaking.

consequence after consequence after consequence.
when is it going to stop?

i have made a lot of mistakes,
and i can see this going forever...
but i can't take any more.

everything that i have worked for has fallen to the ground. my life, shattered on the floor in little pieces. it can't be glued back together. i can't just simply buy a new one. what i had, is all gone... there is no getting it back. what do you do when you have nothing left?

rapture

due to recent events, my family is forcing me to go on a 40 day path of enlightenment. i start tomorrow. my body will supposedly be rid of all of the evils of the human world. no food for 40 days. instead of eating, i'm supposed to engulf myself in scriptures and the word of god.

on most days, i would be highly reluctant to any ideas that my aunt has about bettering my life... but i think that this might actually be interesting. that if i turned it into something more than just exploring the christian religion, it would be beneficial. i'm about to have 40 days of hunger and self exploration.

wish me luck.

geoclyn and monique...

i needed you today.
i've needed you ever since i got home.
i called,
and i called,
and i called,
and you both didn't answer.

it wouldn't have mattered most days...
but today,
i really needed you.
and you weren't there.

i laid in my bed and cried,
and i called,
and you weren't there.

i took those pills to forget,
and i called,
and you weren't there.

i laid down,
shaking from the high,
and i called,
and you weren't there.

i don't know what else to say.
other than that...
i needed you today,
way more than i do on most days...
and you weren't there,
and i fell apart today...
i needed you.
but you weren't there.

he hit me... he hit me today. i came home from school and my uncle was pissed about something, i have no idea what it was. maybe it was everything. but none the less, he was pissed, and i always have an "attitude". so he hit me in the face, then he pushed me to the ground. he told me that i am a disgrace to my entire family. he told me that i will never do anything in life but fuck up. he told me that he feels bad that my father has me as a daughter. i cried. i ran to my father, crying. i told him that my uncle had hit me, and he asks me what i did wrong. he asks me what i did to provoke him. he told me that it was my fault, and he told me not to make my uncle mad. he told me to apologize. i locked myself in my room and did what any normal teenage girl would do, i sat in my closet and cried for hours.

thank you for being there for me. best friends forever.

secret #57

i love this high. most people dont like skittles.. i love them enough for everyone on my island that hates them. yum. it feels good and bad at the same time. just the right balance. numbing... drunk and stoned. tingly and cold. i love it.

weekend.

weekends are supposed to be about fun. go out, have a good time with your friends. get your mind off the stress of school.

i can't go. i don't want to go. i feel this magnetic force attracting me to my bed, the hold that it has on me is strong. i have absolutely zero motivation to hang out with my friends. it sounds like a good idea... it sounds like a lot of fun... but i just can't do it. i want to sleep. i want to just lay here. i think that breaking away might make things easier when its time for me to go. maybe its for the best.

i shut the door.
alone in my room.
phew... now i'm free.
i can be who i want,
with no pressure from anyone.
i can be who i want,
i can just be free.

please excuse me while i change into myself.
i need a few seconds to live my life.

spinning.

I used to do it for the rush, the lightheadedness that I used to get. It was a completely natural high that I loved so much. But now it just seems as if the spinning is getting out of control. I can't stop. The things that we do define who we are, so what does this make me? I honestly have no clue who I am or what I really want. I've been so busy focusing on my family all of my life that I never actually spent time considering who I am, or the kind of person that I want to be. I'm left here with this secretly empty personality, just confused about life.

Sometimes I do it because I know that it will make my father mad. Because getting his attention in a bad way would be better than not having his attention at all.

Sometimes I do it because it makes me forget about everything else that is going on around me, it's a short escape from reality into a world of complete ecstasy. It feels great to just forget.

Sometimes I do it because I miss my mother. I would love for her to come into my room and tell me to stop, and sometimes I pretend that if I continue with my actions, that she will come back and force me to change. I would give the world for her to be here. Since she died, things have completely spun out of control. And they just keep spinning.

I want it to stop.

afraid for tomorrow.

I have court tomorrow. I am so unbelievably afraid that I have screwed up my life beyond repair, and for what? A couple of days of drunken fun. It was definitely not worth it. Now it's too late to go back and change what has happened, I just have to accept my fate. I'm not exactly afraid that the consequences will be horrible, I'm more afraid that I won't be strong enough to deal with this. I'm afraid that I will just cave in. I'm afraid that there will be no coming back.

The pain I hold in every day is becoming greater and greater as time passes. I can feel it coursing through my veins, pulsating underneath my skin in sync with the beat of my heart. I can feel it frigidly crawling down my arms and legs, taking over my entire being. It spills out of my ears and bleeds out of my eyes. I am engorged in this pain. I just want it to stop.

sometimes...

the hero has to die in the end.
its hard to overcome all the evil by the end of the story.

i laid here all day. i couldn't find the strength to just get up... so i laid there, awake and upset. maybe tomorrow will be better, or maybe tomorrow will be the same.

dreaming.

I cried today. Waking up was hard, leaving my dreams is hard. I treasure every moment of sleep that I can get, because in my dreams... everything isn't exactly perfect, but at least I'm not alone. I dread waking up alone, sometimes wishing that my dreams would come true. The thought that I would wake up every morning by myself only pushes me to sleep longer. Sleeping to avoid the facts, I am alone. I just want a warm body to fall asleep with at night and wake up with in the morning. I just want a hand to hold mine.

I'm starting to think that who I'm with is no longer important, as long as I'm with somebody... it will all be better. I want someone, anyone. I am tired of being alone. Most of all, I am tired of pretending that being alone doesn't bother me. I want to scream.

So goodnight. I'm ready to dream.

01/13/10

i am screaming so loud.
my soul is dying.
i don't want to be alone.
but i'm scared to ask you not to leave me.
a little more of my heart is gone today,
i'm starting to just accept it.
no matter how much it hurts.
i still quit.

god.

i'm so sick of hiding how i feel on the inside. i'm breaking. i'm sad. i'm frustrated. i'm scared. i'm unhappy. i'm in so much pain.

why does this have to hurt.

this isn't the life that i ordered.

Hi, my name is Jodi-Anne Gonzalez and my life has completely crumbled to the ground.

Well, to start things off... I have never really had much of a life to begin with. I have a few good friends, a couple of addictions, and a handful of issues. It's never really been that bad, I've dealt with it, I've built character from it all... but lately, everything seems to be unraveling.

I'm not even going to get into the logistics of what is going on in my life, just know that after everything that I have been through... I feel like my heart can't break anymore than it already has. My heart is literally to the point where it can't be fixed, shattered into a million pieces. It just hurts, everything just hurts. I can't breathe.

Fuck the character building experiences. The more that I go through, the more I feel like I'm fading away. I have nothing to say anymore, everything goes bad, so I just don't care anymore. Anything else, and I'll be gone forever.

I just want to give up. I am so unbelievably sick of defending myself to people that don't even deserve my time. I don't want to have to fight about the truth, because no matter what i say, people will think what they want. Its a never ending and completely pointless battle, but for some reason... I feel like I have to fight, like I can't just leave things the way that they are and get over it. But it's pointless. I'm sick of it, I can't take anymore of it. I am completely fading into the sea of rumors and bad thoughts that are being said right now. I feel like if I just give up, if i just give in, and let the sea of rumors flow, that things would be easier, that it would be easier to just drown in it all.

So here's where it ends.. I give up.