change.

I'm changing my life.
Monday, i'm starting fresh.
If I don't, then I will have some serious life altering issues that I would regret for the rest of time.
I have not been good.
I have not been on track like I promised myself I would be.
I've fallen so far...
I feel like I'm at my deepest lows again,
and it's really unhealthy and ruining my life.
But I am so lucky that I have a friend here that is amazing.
for once, I have a friend that has a soul that is just about as beaten up and bruised as mine.
she understands the gravity of my pain even though she hasnt gone through all the shit that I have been through...
and that is very hard for someone to do.
I feel a lot better when I talk to her.
we pulled an all nighter tonight just talking about our issues.
we can talk about really intense serious stuff that we keep locked up
and we both never judge each other...
because we both feel a lot of pain and understand what you have to do to deal with that pain sometimes.
i feel so much better that i have to talk to.
she makes me realize that i'm not the only crazy one out there...
and together, we both want to better ourselves,
and i feel like this will work, because she knows what it looks like when someone is falling...
and i love that shes a good enough friend to catch me.

I need to stop doing drugs.

So I woke up this morning,
and the first thing that came to my mind was:
"I just got a little bit of money, I should buy $20 worth of cocaine. Sounds like a good idea, I really want some right now... and for tomorrow before class so that I can focus. Yeah, good idea."

That should not be the first thing I think when I wake up in the morning.
I feel like,
its okay to do drugs if you're with friends and partying and what not,
but I was by myself,
I wanted to do it by myself,
and I wasn't going to tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to know.
It was going to be my secret.
A secret drug habbit.
And the only time people would know about me doing drugs is when me and my friends are partying and we are all doing drugs together.

I know that its not okay.

I don't know what it was that made me think that this morning.
But I though it, and I did it.

I guess, maybe I'm so stressed out that I just need to do this to vent..
but this isn't the way to vent.
But it is my easiest option,
the quick solution to my problems.

I don't know what is going on lately.
I've been having a rough time and you can tell by the way that I'm starting to look.
I am just always tired, no matter hoe much I sleep... I am still exauhsted.
College is just so unbeliveable stressful,
and on top of it,
I have so much family drama going on back home.
I honestly don't know how to handle it anymore.

Somebody save me.

Waiting.

I've been waiting for you, and still nothing.
I keep trying to find you, but i have no luck.
I'm obsessed.



Yours truly,
Jodi.

Serendipity.

I found him.
He was amazing.
He was smart, and cute, and forward, and stubborn, and just about everything I could ever want in a guy.
We talked a little, and we flirted a lot.
His gaze was constantly chasing mine.
The library really isn't the best place to get to know someone,
but i learned so much about him through his eyes.
That was the best part about him,
those eyes... they honestly showed every part of his soul.
He was beautiful.
His name was Sam.
But just as quick as I found him, he was gone.

It was his eyes, I couldn't get those eyes out of my mind.
I couldn't stop thinking about him and the way that he looked at me,
or the small conversation that we had.
I just couldn't stop thinking about him.
Then like it was fate, I ran into him on the complete opposite side of town from where we met.
What are the chances of running into someone like that in NYC?
We talked for a little, but he had to go.
He left me with a glimpse of hope.
"library, 10th floor, come find me please, I want to see you again."
Oh how I would love to run into him again.
I would love for another moment of serendipity to happen.

Because I can't get him out of my mind.

Busy

So busy.
I have no time in life for anything anymore,
or atleast thats what it seems like.
I always feel like I have to be on the go.
And I always am.
There is no time to slow down,
no time to take in all the beauty around me,
no time to make any friends in the process,
I am too busy for that shit.
I hate being busy.
It makes dreaming so lonely.

I guess this means that I'm back.

So I have been on a blogging hiatus for months now. Lots has changed and I needed time away from the internet to think about life and to refresh my mind. Almost two months ago, I moved from rural Alaska to New York City. It’s exciting, I have a completely new life with all new people. It feels so great to be free from the drama with friends and enemies back home. Everything here is fresh.

So it has been two month since I have been here, and in those two months, I have really evaluated where I am emotionally in my life. I am, like always, so unblieveably torn about what I want in a relationship. I want a relationship, but I can’t find anyone worth staying faithful too, but I have met some guys that I really like, but I still want other guys, but I want to date the guys that I like, blah blah blah confusing and mixed signals are all that ever come out of my mind. I have met a couple of very interesting guys since I have been here. There have been some that I would love to be with, and others that I never want to see again in my life. But no matter who they are, it is all still the same as how it was when I lived in Alaska. These guys all really like me and want to date me, but it is always me that doesnt want anything to do with them. I might like them, but still, i dont want to date them. That is always how it has been and that is still how it is. When am i going to find someone that is worth while? My best friend tallis says that the only problem I have is the fact that I dont think anyone is worth it and that as soon as i stop thinking like that, i will be able to meet someone and discover that they are in fact worth my time. But i have such a problem with spending time to get to know one person and only that person. Because if i find that they aren’t worth my time, which is what usually happens, then i will have wasted my time when i could have been multitasking instead and getting t know multiple guys at once and figuring out how two different people are, opposed to just spending my time with one. But no one likes to be ‘played’ and that is what most people would see of my logic. I dont know how to change how i am. I can’t change how i am. There is not enough time in the day to fix every little thing that is wrong with me emotionally or mentally, soo what is the point in trying. I cant see myself changing, but if i dont change, i feel like i’ll be lonely forever, and i don’t want that. I want to be loved, and i want to love, but none of that is possible thanks to my fucked up way of thinking. Gaaaah.

Sorry about the rant. Im glad to be back.