SEX.

don't read this if you don't want to know my dirty thoughts typed out for the world to see.


I've been thinking about this for the longest time. This thought is a daily occurrence.

I love having sex.

I just love it. Everything about sex, i love. It's not just the pleasure... that is hardly it at all. It's the rush I get when I'm with someone that I'm not supposed to be with. It's the excitement that I get when knowing that I have to sneak around. It's the feeling that I get when I have a dirty secret that is hidden so well in plain sight.
I love the spontaneity... ripping off each others clothes, hoping that no one else walks in.
I love lust.
It's crazy to think about all of the things that I would do.
Sometimes I want to have a boyfriend... just so that I would have someone to have sex with all the time. but I know it would never work out... because right when I see another guy that I'm attracted too, if I have the chance... I would undoubtedly have sex with him. protected of course.
I love the game. and I play the game like it's fucking Monopoly. and I do it with a smile on my pretty little face. I absolutely hate when feelings get attached. It ruins everything. Sex turns into "making love"... and I don't want to make love with anyone. I just want to fuck.
sadly, I think that my parents did a really shitty job in raising me. normal people don't think like that, and i've found that out the hard way. i guess that everything leads back to how your parents treated you when you were little. i blame them for this.

don't tell anyone.

i'm going to say something that i have a really hard time admitting.
i can't lie to myself anymore.


I miss my mom.
I am so angry with her for leaving.
I am so angry with her for not fighting harder.
I am so angry with god for letting her get sick.
I miss her. I think about how I hardly have any memories with her, and it makes me so mad. She should be here, she should be watching me grow up, she should be watching me graduate, she should be seeing me off to college, she should just be here. I want her to be in my life. I hope she looks down from heaven and sees that my soul started to break the day that she got sick. every day since then my soul has gotten shattered into smaller and smaller pieces until there was nothing left but dust which has gotten blown away by every breathe that i couldn't take. I hope she sees that my heart fell through the cracks in my ribs the day that she died. she left me without a beat, unable to love, unable to care. and worst of all, I hate that I can't stand in front of a mirror and look myself in the eyes without seeing her. I hate that I can't speak a single word without hearing her. I hate that my dad looks at me with that melancholy expression because I remind him of her. I just want her back.

breathe.
breathe.
breathe.

count to three.
one.
two.
three.

breathe.

when did everything get so complicated?
when did it become hard to breathe,
hard to think,
hard to live,
hard to be,
when?

i built this wall to keep people out,
but now i find that all it does is keep me in.
i want to get out.
i want to show you who i am.
i want to show you what i can do.
i want to show you why i'm worth the fight.
but i trapped myself in here,
and i've been trying so hard to get out
but nothing works.
i need your help to escape
but no one can hear me screaming from behind here.
i am yelling at the top of my lungs
can you hear me?
can you see it in my eyes?
can you feel it in my touch?
i'm stuck
and i need you.
if only you could hear every little thing that i can't say.
please figure it out,
i want to get out of here alive.

i dont have time for this anymore and its really sad.
:[