i'm on a blogging haitus for now.
i'll get back to you when i'm inspired.
i've lost all interest in life at the moment.

it really sucks you know,
when you don't have any motivation to live...
but you're too afraid to die.

i hate you.

i hate you for introducing yourself to me randomly at the movies.
i hate you for always being in the same place as me.
i hate you for making me spend time with you.
i hate you for having an overly obsessive girlfriend.
i hate you for staying the night on black friday.
i hate you for not being able to hang out afterwards because of your obsessive girlfriend.
i hate you for sitting with me on the entire 14 hour boat ride, and on the 5 hour drive.
i hate you pretending that you were my boyfriend so that guys wouldnt hit on me.
i hate you for laughing when i had a thing with alex.
i hate you for being so good at keeping me entertained with your i-touch.
i hate you for making me help you make pies for your family on thanksgiving.
i hate you for making me help you make cookies for your family on christmas.
i hate you for randomly sneaking up on me and saying hi.
i hate you for that time that we became best friends, you know.. when you cried and i cried and we both cried together, then lauged and smiled.
i hate you for not being able to go to my grad dinner.
i hate you for sneaking away from your girlfriend to see me before you left for the summer.
i hate you for not coming back before i leave for college.
i hate you for the simple fact that i will miss you like crazy.
why did we have to be friends.

secrets.

i have always been the type of person that isn't afraid to speak up. i really could care less what other people think about what i have to say. there are very few things that i hide in my life, and even those things are known by at least one person. its not that i can't keep a secret, but with my life.. i always used to feel like there was nothing to hide.

but that all changed a while back.
i have a secret, i've had this secret for about two years now.
i feel like this secret sucks me in to a world all its own..
and i could never tell anyone, ever.
sometimes, i like having this secret..
but most of the time, it controls my life.
it owns me, and it dictates everything that i do.
sometimes i want to forget about it, pretend that it never happened so that my life could be easier.
i wish things were that easy.
absolutely no one knows about this.
i hate this secret,
but i hate the thought of people finding out even more.

every day, i want to scream.
i wake up in the morning and its the first thing that comes to mind.
i go to bed and i can't fall asleep because it is all i can think about.
and when i do fall asleep, i wake up freezing in the middle of the night because this secret haunts me in my dreams.

i used to think that i controlled it,
but now i realize that it controls me..
and i don't know how to stop it.

Dear E,

ugh. i have been putting in so much effort to make this relationship work out and almost nothing has happened. i try so hard to make you happy, i follow every one of your ridiculous but mandatory rules no matter how much it hurts me, and still... you haven't done anything for me. i'm waiting. you are hurting me, inside and out... but i am still here.. waiting for you. when are you going to do something for me? you need to hurry up and do something.. i have exactly 39 days left and you need to make your move. once i go, thats it.

hurry.