what.

What am I doing?
I'm failing
I'm falling
I'm struggling
I'm dying
I'm losing it all.

What am I doing?
I don't even know anymore.

Its time to self destruct.

Hi,

My name is Jodi Gonzalez. I am a selfish, unstable, carefree imitation of a person. I go through life every day smiling, and laughing, and crying, and angry, and frustrated... but none of it is real. It's all just a reaction to those around me, the reaction that is supposed to happen... but that I don't feel the need for. I'm a pretender. I'm a liar. I'm a shell, empty on the inside. I feel nothing. I am not real. I'm a figment of your imagination. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm lovable, I'm smart, I'm silly, I'm everything you want me to be. I'm everything you need me to be, and thats why you love me. But its not real. My name is Jodi Gonzalez, and I'm not real.

Is it okay...

.... If I just drop of the face of the earth for a little while?

There is constant pressure building up in the pit of my stomach,
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here

The persistent, stinging pain of not wanting to be here creeps slowly through every last bone in my body
I feel it every day
It makes its way up my spine and penetrates my skull, crawling into my brain

boom
boom
boom
I can feel my mind swell with pain, beating against my skull
It only gets louder and louder as the day goes on

My eyes start to blur
My ears become numb
Soon all I can hear is a faint buzzing
Its that stinging pain talking:
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here

I CAN'T HEAR YOU
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
LA LA LA LA LA LA
I CAN'T HEAR YOU

But I still hear it
I still feel it
I still think about it every single day.

I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be.