Never have I met someone as in genuine as I

To all who are going to read this, if you are going to comment on it to tell me that I'm not a bad person, you are wrong... so don't try.


I am the most in genuine person I know.
I have gone through so much shit in my life that no matter how close someone thinks they get to me, its all a sham. I do not let anyone in on the true events of my life or what I am really feeling/thinking (well everyone except the readers of this blog).
I have best friends, and they can tell you about my life... but the majority of it is fabricated, well, truth twisted into a lie. no one will ever know how severe the events of my life have been except my family and I.
So many people that I loved/needed have gone in and out of my life since I was a child.
I trust no one.
No one really knows anything about me. They always think that they know me so well, but then I go and surprise them by my actions every other day. I have taught myself to mind fuck people so well that these poor people surrounding me don't even realize how much I am fucking with them.
They make it too easy, and its just a game for me. I fuck with people out of sheer enjoyment. Its entertaining. I don't feel bad, well no... I never used to feel bad, but I feel like with age, I'm growing a little more of a heart and now I just feel a little bad for everyone around me. But I still have no heart and I will fuck with them anyways. I don't really care too much. I have mind fucked people so well that I have actually made money off of it. Dumb asses are convinced that I could never be that bad of a person but no, I profit off of their dumb asses.

Well, I could go on and on all day about how little people actually know about me, but that is not the point of this post.

The point is, when does it stop for me? I don't know anything else but lying, cheating, and stealing. When can I finally be completely honest with a person about everything? Sometimes the thought of my relationships gets to me, it all catches up with me and I just think 'wow, I can't name one person in the entire world that knows me completely without all of the lies'. How fucking sad is that? I did it to myself, there is no one else to blame. Sometimes I just wish that I had someone, one person... someone that just knows me inside and out, someone who knows what I'm thinking just by seeing the look on my face. I want someone that will be there when I'm having a bad day that knows exactly how to make me feel better, someone that knows when im having a bad day just by seeing how i hold myself. I want someone to be able to look at me, just one glance, and make me laugh because I know we were thinking about the same thing. I want someone that I don't have to explain myself too, someone that knows I can't help but to be how I am... no matter how self destructive it is. I want someone that will realize when I am being genuine and not just saying shit to say it or to fuck with someone. I want someone who's energy just makes me feel a little bit better, someone who makes me happy just by being in the same room as them. I want someone who knows how to calm me down when I get angry. I want someone that my dad loves. I want someone that I can genuinely, completely, honestly, and wholeheartedly say that I love. I don't care what you look like, where you are from, how much money you have, who your family is, or what you want to do with your life... I just want you to be in mine.

Its too bad that the qualities I look for in a guy (as listed above), are impossible to find. Like I've heard before, I'm too crazy for any guy to keep up with me. Oh how much I would give for it to not be like that. The way I am has made me so lonely. I have being lonely. Someone save me.

Is anyone just lonely?
plain, simple, lonely.
I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach
nothing is there
no one is here with me
i am alone
its sad.
i just want to be loved.

Never good enough.
I'm never going to be good enough.
I will always be mediocre.
Mediocrity kills.
I'm already dead.

You make me want to cry for you.
I'm screaming on the inside.

I'm Leaving

I'm leaving.
not a friend in sight.
just floating away
like smoke in the wind
ready to drift off into the sky
and become apart of something new.

I pulled a half britney.

why so soon

I sleep until the middle of every day.
I wake up and my brain is trying to break out of my skull,
I can't move my head, my spine is no where to be seen.
The phone is ringing.. my brain is too preoccupied to answer.
Why did you do this to me?
I haven't been right since I met you.
Everything is off balance.
The first time we met, I fell for you...
I hit my head and it hurt me like crazy.
You carried me to the car and cared for me.
I fell, and I fell for you.
My head hasn't been right ever since.
Irrational.
Angry.
Frustrated.
Jealous.
Insane.
When I'm with you, I just want to stab you in the heart with an icicle.
When we're apart... all I want to do is be near you.
You bring out the worst in me,
or maybe its the best.
I always loved my sinister self.
But I'm the only one.
I have to leave this place.
I have to get away from you.
And you ask me why so soon.
And I tell you I just need to leave.
As much as I can't stand being away from you,
that feeling is no where near as great as how much I can't stand being near you.
And you ask me why so soon.
And I tell you its not soon enough.

Dead.

What am I becoming?

worthless
nothing
ugly

I hear that I'm beautiful,
I hear that I'm cute,
I hear that I have a great smile,
I hear that I'm pretty...
but that all fades so quick.

I'm becoming hideous.
My looks don't matter anymore.
All you can see when you look at me is ugly.
hate
anger
frustration
self loathing
depression
emptiness
All you see is a monster.

The way that I feel,
the way that I am...

I'm dead on the inside,
and it shows.

what.

What am I doing?
I'm failing
I'm falling
I'm struggling
I'm dying
I'm losing it all.

What am I doing?
I don't even know anymore.

Its time to self destruct.

Hi,

My name is Jodi Gonzalez. I am a selfish, unstable, carefree imitation of a person. I go through life every day smiling, and laughing, and crying, and angry, and frustrated... but none of it is real. It's all just a reaction to those around me, the reaction that is supposed to happen... but that I don't feel the need for. I'm a pretender. I'm a liar. I'm a shell, empty on the inside. I feel nothing. I am not real. I'm a figment of your imagination. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm lovable, I'm smart, I'm silly, I'm everything you want me to be. I'm everything you need me to be, and thats why you love me. But its not real. My name is Jodi Gonzalez, and I'm not real.