love rant

Hi, I’m Jodi and I have never had sex with the same person more than 5 times. I have had sex with exactly 15 people, 12 of them were one night stands, I slept with two of them about twice, and that leaves the one who I had sex with around 5 times. Going through my sexual experiences, I have some serious regrets. While I was in the moment, I loved how spontaneous it all was. Everything was pure lust (well, most of the time at least). I was proud of how many people I had been with, I thought by doing this that I would be more sexually experienced than those who only slept with a few people.

I was so proud of myself, I used to keep a journal where I would rate how good the guy was in bed and how in love with me he was. It was a joke; all of those guys were a joke that my friends and I used to laugh at. I have mistreated so many nice guys by just flat out crushing their feelings or stringing them along with no intent for anything more. I thought that by being the one to sneak out in the morning, I had the upper hand. I didn’t realize the thoughts and emotions that were in play until I experienced the same for myself. I had never known this type of rejection because I was always the one to leave first. I used to think that I stayed emotionally unattached because I simply just wasn’t interested in the guy. Honestly, I feel like that was all a lie. I had never experienced rejection like that, but I had seen it in the eyes of those that I had rejected and I never wanted to feel that pain. I am a selfish coward, I could hurt others with no problem but I couldn’t handle it happening to me.

One day I woke up and I didn’t want to have one night stands anymore… I couldn’t. I just felt so lonely all of the time. I was so used to having guys want me, but no matter how many guys were interested in me, I was still completely alone. I just wanted one person to be able to cuddle in bed with until morning, without worrying about seeming clingy or what their roommates and friends would think. I had grown so tired of quietly getting out of bed once they fell asleep, tired of trying to find my socks in the dark without waking anyone up, tired of walking home at ungodly hours of the night looking like a mess, tired of never sharing more with these guys other than a fun night in bed, tired of it all. I just wanted something different… so I decided to be different.

I decided that for once, I would actually talk to the guys that were interested in me and that I would put effort into building some sort of friendship before anything went down. I longed for an emotional attraction instead of the physical attraction that I was so used to dealing with. But the moment I put myself out there for more than just a hook up is when I got hurt the most. Nothing hurts like the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and the person you fell asleep with is nowhere to be found. I was under the impression that the new vibe I was giving off read as, ‘Hey, I liked you enough to have an ongoing phone conversation with you for the past weekI liked you enough to be seen in public with you, even in that ridiculous sweater that you always wear. I liked you enough to lay there in bed with you and answer the questions you had about my past, no matter how much it still hurts me to talk about the death of my mother. I liked you enough to let you into my secret hiding place and you better be there when I wake up in the morning’. Maybe vibes were lost in translation, maybe you wanted to stay but you had somewhere that you absolutely had to be, or maybe you are just a complete asshole… no matter what the reason, you weren’t there when I woke up in the morning. It hurts when you reach your arm out to put around someone and they aren’t there. It hurts when you secretly hope to yourself that they’re in the bathroom or in the kitchen getting water, when really you know that they‘re nowhere near the bathroom or the kitchen. Nothing hurts more than the moment you look down at the pile of clothes on your floor right next to your bed and you realize that their clothes are gone. I never understood what I was putting others through. I wish that I had never experienced that pain, but sadly that isn’t the case.

Guy after guy, I put myself out there and I just keep getting completely let down. While I was perfecting the art of attracting guys with body language, I forgot to learn how to forge an actual relationship. I became the master of flirting from across a crowded room when I should have been learning how to build a relationship out of mutual respect and adoration. When I was younger, I thought that this was all a game. I thought that sex was just for fun and that real relationships were for the dull people of the world and the people who are incapable of flirting. I was wrong. I envy the people out there who have happy relationships. I envy the people who love and are loved in return. Reflecting upon all of my past sexual experiences makes me regret my life decisions so greatly. Everyone else was busy learning love and I was busy learning lust. I woke up one morning and just decided out of nowhere that it was time for me to lose my virginity so I went out and just did it, simple as that. I have never been more wrong about anything in my life. I was not ready, I’m still not ready. I wish that I had someone out there who could have told me to just wait, but I didn’t. So for anyone who might just happen to read this, please wait for someone that means something to you. Please wait for someone that you won’t regret. Please wait for someone who wants to be there in the morning when you wake up. If you wait for love, lust won’t matter.