SEX.

don't read this if you don't want to know my dirty thoughts typed out for the world to see.


I've been thinking about this for the longest time. This thought is a daily occurrence.

I love having sex.

I just love it. Everything about sex, i love. It's not just the pleasure... that is hardly it at all. It's the rush I get when I'm with someone that I'm not supposed to be with. It's the excitement that I get when knowing that I have to sneak around. It's the feeling that I get when I have a dirty secret that is hidden so well in plain sight.
I love the spontaneity... ripping off each others clothes, hoping that no one else walks in.
I love lust.
It's crazy to think about all of the things that I would do.
Sometimes I want to have a boyfriend... just so that I would have someone to have sex with all the time. but I know it would never work out... because right when I see another guy that I'm attracted too, if I have the chance... I would undoubtedly have sex with him. protected of course.
I love the game. and I play the game like it's fucking Monopoly. and I do it with a smile on my pretty little face. I absolutely hate when feelings get attached. It ruins everything. Sex turns into "making love"... and I don't want to make love with anyone. I just want to fuck.
sadly, I think that my parents did a really shitty job in raising me. normal people don't think like that, and i've found that out the hard way. i guess that everything leads back to how your parents treated you when you were little. i blame them for this.

don't tell anyone.

i'm going to say something that i have a really hard time admitting.
i can't lie to myself anymore.


I miss my mom.
I am so angry with her for leaving.
I am so angry with her for not fighting harder.
I am so angry with god for letting her get sick.
I miss her. I think about how I hardly have any memories with her, and it makes me so mad. She should be here, she should be watching me grow up, she should be watching me graduate, she should be seeing me off to college, she should just be here. I want her to be in my life. I hope she looks down from heaven and sees that my soul started to break the day that she got sick. every day since then my soul has gotten shattered into smaller and smaller pieces until there was nothing left but dust which has gotten blown away by every breathe that i couldn't take. I hope she sees that my heart fell through the cracks in my ribs the day that she died. she left me without a beat, unable to love, unable to care. and worst of all, I hate that I can't stand in front of a mirror and look myself in the eyes without seeing her. I hate that I can't speak a single word without hearing her. I hate that my dad looks at me with that melancholy expression because I remind him of her. I just want her back.

breathe.
breathe.
breathe.

count to three.
one.
two.
three.

breathe.

when did everything get so complicated?
when did it become hard to breathe,
hard to think,
hard to live,
hard to be,
when?

i built this wall to keep people out,
but now i find that all it does is keep me in.
i want to get out.
i want to show you who i am.
i want to show you what i can do.
i want to show you why i'm worth the fight.
but i trapped myself in here,
and i've been trying so hard to get out
but nothing works.
i need your help to escape
but no one can hear me screaming from behind here.
i am yelling at the top of my lungs
can you hear me?
can you see it in my eyes?
can you feel it in my touch?
i'm stuck
and i need you.
if only you could hear every little thing that i can't say.
please figure it out,
i want to get out of here alive.

i dont have time for this anymore and its really sad.
:[

admission: denied.

how could i not get in?
how is it that one letter in the mail can ruin all of the hopes and dreams that i had for my life?

i didn't get in.

silver lining: there is none.

i definitely lied. happiness never lasts. i don't know what i was thinking.

a while back, i did something...
and it was like lighting a match,
it could either bring light into my life and make everything seem clearer
or it could just set my world on fire.

i can't undo everything.
i can't put out the flames.
i lit that match naively.
i couldn't see the cloud of gas that was just waiting for a spark.
and now everything i touch combusts.
and everything else is left burnt and destroyed.
nothing but ashes left in the space that used to be my life.

how do i fix this?

dear blog,

i really don't know what to write. i have no idea idea what to tell you. there is so much on my mind, i'm just not quite sure how to get it all out and make sense at the the same time. if you asked asked me how i am, i would tell you that i'm fine. we both know that it's a lie. but you know what, so much has happened that i don't even know how to complain about it anymore. i just sit there and roll with the punches, because what else am i supposed to do. nothing seems to work, so why not just let it be.

do you ever just want to be loved,
not necessarily by a guy... but just loved in general?

i thought that i could do without it.
i always figured... i've been doing everything on my own since i was little, i don't need anyone else; i don't need their approval, i don't need their support, and i don't need their love.

ever since i could remember, my dad was never around. he was always too busy with work or god knows what. my mother was spread so thin between her kids, her job, her friends, and then her cancer took it all, her cancer took her life.

growing up, all that i had was me. sure, i had friends... but i can say right now that i have never let any of my friend in 100%. i would say that the most i have ever let a friend in leaves them knowing only half the story. there were always details twisted or just left out in general because i have never trusted anyone wholly.

i wish that i could say that there is someone in my life that knows absolutely everything.. someone that knows what i'm thinking or how i feel without me having to explain. someone that just knows me inside and out, that loves me for who i am.. flaws and all. the sad part is, even if there is someone out there... chances are, i will never let them in completely.

my heart is too small to let anybody else inside.

something is seriously wrong with me.
i keep saying no to myself...
because its the right thing to do,
but everything other than my mind says yes
and my mind just can't win the fight.

i try so hard to stop it all from happening.
i lock myself away,
i make excuses,
i try to convince myself
that its so wrong to do
but it always ends up happening.
inevitable.
unavoidable.
compulsory.

maybe it's fate.
maybe it's supposed to happen like this.
maybe i'll learn something from it.
or maybe i just need better control over my impulses.

more importantly...
i promised her that i wouldn't.
i told her that she could trust me.
i became her friend.
i lied to her face.
i've been sleeping with her boyfriend.
i should feel horrible,
but i just want to do it again.

something is seriously wrong with me.

So True.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~Neil Gaiman