something is seriously wrong with me.
i keep saying no to myself...
because its the right thing to do,
but everything other than my mind says yes
and my mind just can't win the fight.

i try so hard to stop it all from happening.
i lock myself away,
i make excuses,
i try to convince myself
that its so wrong to do
but it always ends up happening.
inevitable.
unavoidable.
compulsory.

maybe it's fate.
maybe it's supposed to happen like this.
maybe i'll learn something from it.
or maybe i just need better control over my impulses.

more importantly...
i promised her that i wouldn't.
i told her that she could trust me.
i became her friend.
i lied to her face.
i've been sleeping with her boyfriend.
i should feel horrible,
but i just want to do it again.

something is seriously wrong with me.

afraid.

i just realized that i am completely afraid of myself and my decision process. most of the things that i would do, scare the shit out of me. its not that... i'm scared of the dark type of scared, but the... i can't believe that i did that, type of scared. i can't believe a lot of things. but mostly, i can't believe the decisions that i would make. its like i never learn. its like i never grow from my mistakes. i would just repeat them over and over again, because logically, i see nothing wrong with what i am doing. but truly, what i am doing is so wrong. i can't help myself.

belle of the boulevard

the sound of an old guitar
is saving you from sinking
its a long way down

i'm trying to come to terms with what has happened and what is happening. i don't know how i am going to get through any of this.

sometimes i can't breathe.

i don't know how to feel about the things i've done.
sometimes i want to stay,
and other times...
i just want to turn around and run as fast as physically possible.
i want to run significantly more than i want to stay.
but then certain things happen,
small things.
and i realize that...
i can't leave just yet.
its not over.
none of it is over.

those little things are keeping me alive.

Lust

sometimes i just can't help myself. i want to do all of those dirty little things with the guys that i know that i shouldn't touch. but i can't help it. lust. i always figured that it was okay as long as no one found out, but then i have this cloud of guilt over my head, and i always end up disappointing people.

i'm addicted to the feeling. the feeling that you get when you really like someone... that fluttering in your heart, and that twisting of your stomach. the jitters. the butterflies. all of those things. that is how i feel when i'm hooking up with someone that i know i shouldn't be with. and i'm addicted to the feeling. one good hookup can get me on that high for days. not having that feeling is the worst, it's like nicotine withdrawals, horrible.

everyone that i have ever been with, i know that i shouldn't have. it was either the time, or the place, or the person that was wrong. but no matter what it was, i still did it. sometimes i seek out the bad situation because it just heightens the feeling. synergy.

something is wrong with me.

repercussion

all of my mistakes have repercussions.
i can deal with that.
but when all of the repercussions happen at once,
i will break.
i am breaking.

consequence after consequence after consequence.
when is it going to stop?

i have made a lot of mistakes,
and i can see this going forever...
but i can't take any more.

everything that i have worked for has fallen to the ground. my life, shattered on the floor in little pieces. it can't be glued back together. i can't just simply buy a new one. what i had, is all gone... there is no getting it back. what do you do when you have nothing left?

spinning.

I used to do it for the rush, the lightheadedness that I used to get. It was a completely natural high that I loved so much. But now it just seems as if the spinning is getting out of control. I can't stop. The things that we do define who we are, so what does this make me? I honestly have no clue who I am or what I really want. I've been so busy focusing on my family all of my life that I never actually spent time considering who I am, or the kind of person that I want to be. I'm left here with this secretly empty personality, just confused about life.

Sometimes I do it because I know that it will make my father mad. Because getting his attention in a bad way would be better than not having his attention at all.

Sometimes I do it because it makes me forget about everything else that is going on around me, it's a short escape from reality into a world of complete ecstasy. It feels great to just forget.

Sometimes I do it because I miss my mother. I would love for her to come into my room and tell me to stop, and sometimes I pretend that if I continue with my actions, that she will come back and force me to change. I would give the world for her to be here. Since she died, things have completely spun out of control. And they just keep spinning.

I want it to stop.