admission: denied.

how could i not get in?
how is it that one letter in the mail can ruin all of the hopes and dreams that i had for my life?

i didn't get in.

silver lining: there is none.

i definitely lied. happiness never lasts. i don't know what i was thinking.

a while back, i did something...
and it was like lighting a match,
it could either bring light into my life and make everything seem clearer
or it could just set my world on fire.

i can't undo everything.
i can't put out the flames.
i lit that match naively.
i couldn't see the cloud of gas that was just waiting for a spark.
and now everything i touch combusts.
and everything else is left burnt and destroyed.
nothing but ashes left in the space that used to be my life.

how do i fix this?

dear blog,

i really don't know what to write. i have no idea idea what to tell you. there is so much on my mind, i'm just not quite sure how to get it all out and make sense at the the same time. if you asked asked me how i am, i would tell you that i'm fine. we both know that it's a lie. but you know what, so much has happened that i don't even know how to complain about it anymore. i just sit there and roll with the punches, because what else am i supposed to do. nothing seems to work, so why not just let it be.

do you ever just want to be loved,
not necessarily by a guy... but just loved in general?

i thought that i could do without it.
i always figured... i've been doing everything on my own since i was little, i don't need anyone else; i don't need their approval, i don't need their support, and i don't need their love.

ever since i could remember, my dad was never around. he was always too busy with work or god knows what. my mother was spread so thin between her kids, her job, her friends, and then her cancer took it all, her cancer took her life.

growing up, all that i had was me. sure, i had friends... but i can say right now that i have never let any of my friend in 100%. i would say that the most i have ever let a friend in leaves them knowing only half the story. there were always details twisted or just left out in general because i have never trusted anyone wholly.

i wish that i could say that there is someone in my life that knows absolutely everything.. someone that knows what i'm thinking or how i feel without me having to explain. someone that just knows me inside and out, that loves me for who i am.. flaws and all. the sad part is, even if there is someone out there... chances are, i will never let them in completely.

my heart is too small to let anybody else inside.

something is seriously wrong with me.
i keep saying no to myself...
because its the right thing to do,
but everything other than my mind says yes
and my mind just can't win the fight.

i try so hard to stop it all from happening.
i lock myself away,
i make excuses,
i try to convince myself
that its so wrong to do
but it always ends up happening.
inevitable.
unavoidable.
compulsory.

maybe it's fate.
maybe it's supposed to happen like this.
maybe i'll learn something from it.
or maybe i just need better control over my impulses.

more importantly...
i promised her that i wouldn't.
i told her that she could trust me.
i became her friend.
i lied to her face.
i've been sleeping with her boyfriend.
i should feel horrible,
but i just want to do it again.

something is seriously wrong with me.

So True.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~Neil Gaiman

hey.

F
U
C
K
Y
O
U
.

3 more months. three more months of hell, then done with that shit-hole of a learning facility.

3 more months and I'm done.

self destruct

why do i keep hitting myself with a hammer?

...because it feels so good when i stop.


i'm starting to feel like every mistake that i have made was because i wanted to subconsciously screw myself over... because if nothing is wrong, then i'll just have to feel good. and maybe i'm afraid to just... i dont know, be happy.

wow

i never realized how much i missed you until today, until i got you back into my life for that short 30 minutes.

my best friend. we have been best friends since the 6th grade. i have so many memories with you, memories that i forgot about until today. i had the time of my life talking about the past with you.

i forgot how great we get along, and i forgot that i can tell you anything. i have been through so much with you, so much bad. you were there for me when my mom died, and when my grandma died, and when my family was just shitty. and i was there for you through all of the heartbreaks that you went through, and i had forgotten how fragile your heart was.

so many of my firsts were with you: first drink, first smoke, first shoplifting, first anything illegal; it was all with you. we always had such a good time, even if we were doing nothing. it used to be just you and me, unstoppable.

i don't know what happened to us. we just lost touch. we stopped talking. and i forgot about all of the wonderful and horrible things that made you the best friend that i have ever had.

spending that time with you made me realize how much has changed. i miss when everything was black and white, courtnie and jodi. now its just dull shades of gray. i missed you so much, it hurts to think about it now.

i want us to be those two friends again.
friends forever.

look at the night

the stars. celestial bodies of hot gases that radiate energy. glowing explosions of fire, floating around aimlessly in that never ending darkness. something so small leaves so many in awe.

she wants to be like a star. she wants to radiate an amazing energy that leaves everyone in awe. she wants to glow, to have an illuminating presence, even in the never ending darkness.

so she set herself on fire, only to glow like the stars.