I guess this means that I'm back.

So I have been on a blogging hiatus for months now. Lots has changed and I needed time away from the internet to think about life and to refresh my mind. Almost two months ago, I moved from rural Alaska to New York City. It’s exciting, I have a completely new life with all new people. It feels so great to be free from the drama with friends and enemies back home. Everything here is fresh.

So it has been two month since I have been here, and in those two months, I have really evaluated where I am emotionally in my life. I am, like always, so unblieveably torn about what I want in a relationship. I want a relationship, but I can’t find anyone worth staying faithful too, but I have met some guys that I really like, but I still want other guys, but I want to date the guys that I like, blah blah blah confusing and mixed signals are all that ever come out of my mind. I have met a couple of very interesting guys since I have been here. There have been some that I would love to be with, and others that I never want to see again in my life. But no matter who they are, it is all still the same as how it was when I lived in Alaska. These guys all really like me and want to date me, but it is always me that doesnt want anything to do with them. I might like them, but still, i dont want to date them. That is always how it has been and that is still how it is. When am i going to find someone that is worth while? My best friend tallis says that the only problem I have is the fact that I dont think anyone is worth it and that as soon as i stop thinking like that, i will be able to meet someone and discover that they are in fact worth my time. But i have such a problem with spending time to get to know one person and only that person. Because if i find that they aren’t worth my time, which is what usually happens, then i will have wasted my time when i could have been multitasking instead and getting t know multiple guys at once and figuring out how two different people are, opposed to just spending my time with one. But no one likes to be ‘played’ and that is what most people would see of my logic. I dont know how to change how i am. I can’t change how i am. There is not enough time in the day to fix every little thing that is wrong with me emotionally or mentally, soo what is the point in trying. I cant see myself changing, but if i dont change, i feel like i’ll be lonely forever, and i don’t want that. I want to be loved, and i want to love, but none of that is possible thanks to my fucked up way of thinking. Gaaaah.

Sorry about the rant. Im glad to be back.