secrets.

i have always been the type of person that isn't afraid to speak up. i really could care less what other people think about what i have to say. there are very few things that i hide in my life, and even those things are known by at least one person. its not that i can't keep a secret, but with my life.. i always used to feel like there was nothing to hide.

but that all changed a while back.
i have a secret, i've had this secret for about two years now.
i feel like this secret sucks me in to a world all its own..
and i could never tell anyone, ever.
sometimes, i like having this secret..
but most of the time, it controls my life.
it owns me, and it dictates everything that i do.
sometimes i want to forget about it, pretend that it never happened so that my life could be easier.
i wish things were that easy.
absolutely no one knows about this.
i hate this secret,
but i hate the thought of people finding out even more.

every day, i want to scream.
i wake up in the morning and its the first thing that comes to mind.
i go to bed and i can't fall asleep because it is all i can think about.
and when i do fall asleep, i wake up freezing in the middle of the night because this secret haunts me in my dreams.

i used to think that i controlled it,
but now i realize that it controls me..
and i don't know how to stop it.