You make me want to cry for you.
I'm screaming on the inside.

I'm Leaving

I'm leaving.
not a friend in sight.
just floating away
like smoke in the wind
ready to drift off into the sky
and become apart of something new.

I pulled a half britney.

why so soon

I sleep until the middle of every day.
I wake up and my brain is trying to break out of my skull,
I can't move my head, my spine is no where to be seen.
The phone is ringing.. my brain is too preoccupied to answer.
Why did you do this to me?
I haven't been right since I met you.
Everything is off balance.
The first time we met, I fell for you...
I hit my head and it hurt me like crazy.
You carried me to the car and cared for me.
I fell, and I fell for you.
My head hasn't been right ever since.
Irrational.
Angry.
Frustrated.
Jealous.
Insane.
When I'm with you, I just want to stab you in the heart with an icicle.
When we're apart... all I want to do is be near you.
You bring out the worst in me,
or maybe its the best.
I always loved my sinister self.
But I'm the only one.
I have to leave this place.
I have to get away from you.
And you ask me why so soon.
And I tell you I just need to leave.
As much as I can't stand being away from you,
that feeling is no where near as great as how much I can't stand being near you.
And you ask me why so soon.
And I tell you its not soon enough.

Dead.

What am I becoming?

worthless
nothing
ugly

I hear that I'm beautiful,
I hear that I'm cute,
I hear that I have a great smile,
I hear that I'm pretty...
but that all fades so quick.

I'm becoming hideous.
My looks don't matter anymore.
All you can see when you look at me is ugly.
hate
anger
frustration
self loathing
depression
emptiness
All you see is a monster.

The way that I feel,
the way that I am...

I'm dead on the inside,
and it shows.

what.

What am I doing?
I'm failing
I'm falling
I'm struggling
I'm dying
I'm losing it all.

What am I doing?
I don't even know anymore.

Its time to self destruct.

Hi,

My name is Jodi Gonzalez. I am a selfish, unstable, carefree imitation of a person. I go through life every day smiling, and laughing, and crying, and angry, and frustrated... but none of it is real. It's all just a reaction to those around me, the reaction that is supposed to happen... but that I don't feel the need for. I'm a pretender. I'm a liar. I'm a shell, empty on the inside. I feel nothing. I am not real. I'm a figment of your imagination. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm lovable, I'm smart, I'm silly, I'm everything you want me to be. I'm everything you need me to be, and thats why you love me. But its not real. My name is Jodi Gonzalez, and I'm not real.

Is it okay...

.... If I just drop of the face of the earth for a little while?

There is constant pressure building up in the pit of my stomach,
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here

The persistent, stinging pain of not wanting to be here creeps slowly through every last bone in my body
I feel it every day
It makes its way up my spine and penetrates my skull, crawling into my brain

boom
boom
boom
I can feel my mind swell with pain, beating against my skull
It only gets louder and louder as the day goes on

My eyes start to blur
My ears become numb
Soon all I can hear is a faint buzzing
Its that stinging pain talking:
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here

I CAN'T HEAR YOU
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
LA LA LA LA LA LA
I CAN'T HEAR YOU

But I still hear it
I still feel it
I still think about it every single day.

I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be.

Depression.

"I’ve heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just ‘cheer up.’ I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple.

Depression isn’t just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:

You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don’t have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours…too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say ‘nothing, I’m just tired.’ Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they’ll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose…anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don’t know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That’s when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you’ll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.

Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.

Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.

Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight. "

change.

I'm changing my life.
Monday, i'm starting fresh.
If I don't, then I will have some serious life altering issues that I would regret for the rest of time.
I have not been good.
I have not been on track like I promised myself I would be.
I've fallen so far...
I feel like I'm at my deepest lows again,
and it's really unhealthy and ruining my life.
But I am so lucky that I have a friend here that is amazing.
for once, I have a friend that has a soul that is just about as beaten up and bruised as mine.
she understands the gravity of my pain even though she hasnt gone through all the shit that I have been through...
and that is very hard for someone to do.
I feel a lot better when I talk to her.
we pulled an all nighter tonight just talking about our issues.
we can talk about really intense serious stuff that we keep locked up
and we both never judge each other...
because we both feel a lot of pain and understand what you have to do to deal with that pain sometimes.
i feel so much better that i have to talk to.
she makes me realize that i'm not the only crazy one out there...
and together, we both want to better ourselves,
and i feel like this will work, because she knows what it looks like when someone is falling...
and i love that shes a good enough friend to catch me.