Is anyone just lonely?
plain, simple, lonely.
I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach
nothing is there
no one is here with me
i am alone
its sad.
i just want to be loved.

Never good enough.
I'm never going to be good enough.
I will always be mediocre.
Mediocrity kills.
I'm already dead.

You make me want to cry for you.
I'm screaming on the inside.

I'm Leaving

I'm leaving.
not a friend in sight.
just floating away
like smoke in the wind
ready to drift off into the sky
and become apart of something new.

I pulled a half britney.

why so soon

I sleep until the middle of every day.
I wake up and my brain is trying to break out of my skull,
I can't move my head, my spine is no where to be seen.
The phone is ringing.. my brain is too preoccupied to answer.
Why did you do this to me?
I haven't been right since I met you.
Everything is off balance.
The first time we met, I fell for you...
I hit my head and it hurt me like crazy.
You carried me to the car and cared for me.
I fell, and I fell for you.
My head hasn't been right ever since.
Irrational.
Angry.
Frustrated.
Jealous.
Insane.
When I'm with you, I just want to stab you in the heart with an icicle.
When we're apart... all I want to do is be near you.
You bring out the worst in me,
or maybe its the best.
I always loved my sinister self.
But I'm the only one.
I have to leave this place.
I have to get away from you.
And you ask me why so soon.
And I tell you I just need to leave.
As much as I can't stand being away from you,
that feeling is no where near as great as how much I can't stand being near you.
And you ask me why so soon.
And I tell you its not soon enough.

Dead.

What am I becoming?

worthless
nothing
ugly

I hear that I'm beautiful,
I hear that I'm cute,
I hear that I have a great smile,
I hear that I'm pretty...
but that all fades so quick.

I'm becoming hideous.
My looks don't matter anymore.
All you can see when you look at me is ugly.
hate
anger
frustration
self loathing
depression
emptiness
All you see is a monster.

The way that I feel,
the way that I am...

I'm dead on the inside,
and it shows.

what.

What am I doing?
I'm failing
I'm falling
I'm struggling
I'm dying
I'm losing it all.

What am I doing?
I don't even know anymore.

Its time to self destruct.

Hi,

My name is Jodi Gonzalez. I am a selfish, unstable, carefree imitation of a person. I go through life every day smiling, and laughing, and crying, and angry, and frustrated... but none of it is real. It's all just a reaction to those around me, the reaction that is supposed to happen... but that I don't feel the need for. I'm a pretender. I'm a liar. I'm a shell, empty on the inside. I feel nothing. I am not real. I'm a figment of your imagination. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm lovable, I'm smart, I'm silly, I'm everything you want me to be. I'm everything you need me to be, and thats why you love me. But its not real. My name is Jodi Gonzalez, and I'm not real.

Is it okay...

.... If I just drop of the face of the earth for a little while?

There is constant pressure building up in the pit of my stomach,
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be here

The persistent, stinging pain of not wanting to be here creeps slowly through every last bone in my body
I feel it every day
It makes its way up my spine and penetrates my skull, crawling into my brain

boom
boom
boom
I can feel my mind swell with pain, beating against my skull
It only gets louder and louder as the day goes on

My eyes start to blur
My ears become numb
Soon all I can hear is a faint buzzing
Its that stinging pain talking:
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here
You don't want to be here

I CAN'T HEAR YOU
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
LA LA LA LA LA LA
I CAN'T HEAR YOU

But I still hear it
I still feel it
I still think about it every single day.

I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be.