long days and restless nights
thin lips part to reveal a voice of sand
silently screaming at those around him
he wore his pain on his brow
dirty and wrinkled like the shirt on his back
Friday, November 25, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
The Night
All sorts of rain gathered around the sun today.
Clouds, soaking with color,
Gently revealed a different kind of silence.
My body sinks into the earth,
Weighed down by stones coated with thick discomfort.
I want to breathe.
All I can hear is the sound of the wind,
Quietly stealing my air.
My lungs push into the walls of their cage,
Leaving me anxious, waiting for the day to end.
But tonight…
I will run alongside the wolves,
Follow them as they chase the moon,
Mimic their proud howls to the sky,
A truly wonderful sound.
For these stones are lifted as the sun retires.
I find my freedom in the stars,
My inspiration in the farthest corners of our world,
My love while wandering in the dark.
And tonight, I will breathe.
Clouds, soaking with color,
Gently revealed a different kind of silence.
My body sinks into the earth,
Weighed down by stones coated with thick discomfort.
I want to breathe.
All I can hear is the sound of the wind,
Quietly stealing my air.
My lungs push into the walls of their cage,
Leaving me anxious, waiting for the day to end.
But tonight…
I will run alongside the wolves,
Follow them as they chase the moon,
Mimic their proud howls to the sky,
A truly wonderful sound.
For these stones are lifted as the sun retires.
I find my freedom in the stars,
My inspiration in the farthest corners of our world,
My love while wandering in the dark.
And tonight, I will breathe.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
My love
I hate September
The lies of June through August persistently linger in you
Playing with my fragile mind, teasing my senses
I’ll never adjust to how those months erase you
Lightening your hair, leaving nothing but freckles on your cheeks
I’m sickened by the thought of it
That god damn superficial summer stealing you away from me
Masking your beautiful frustrations with a bright sun and tanned skin
Leaving me waiting for your return
I miss your pale face and even paler eyes
Your pure radiance against the reflection of the stars hitting the cold ocean
How I lust for the honesty found in our fall
Only in autumn can I find your soul in full bloom
The warmth from your chest versus the crisp evening air
Tired eyes opening halfway with the arrival of the morning light
Surrounded by bright oranges and pale browns coated in grey
Whispering delicate love songs and sleepy thoughts long into the afternoon
You were mine
But dearest, these months have been harsher than expected
Our October and November have transformed into a bleak December through February
Which in turn became a dark, rainy March through May
Followed by a painfully hot and uncomfortable June through August
And now September refuses to release you from its grasp, my beloved
The seasons are so cruelly passing us by
It’s almost as if you never were
But when leaves are shed and days disappear
I’ll close my eyes and I’ll listen for you in the wind
The lies of June through August persistently linger in you
Playing with my fragile mind, teasing my senses
I’ll never adjust to how those months erase you
Lightening your hair, leaving nothing but freckles on your cheeks
I’m sickened by the thought of it
That god damn superficial summer stealing you away from me
Masking your beautiful frustrations with a bright sun and tanned skin
Leaving me waiting for your return
I miss your pale face and even paler eyes
Your pure radiance against the reflection of the stars hitting the cold ocean
How I lust for the honesty found in our fall
Only in autumn can I find your soul in full bloom
The warmth from your chest versus the crisp evening air
Tired eyes opening halfway with the arrival of the morning light
Surrounded by bright oranges and pale browns coated in grey
Whispering delicate love songs and sleepy thoughts long into the afternoon
You were mine
But dearest, these months have been harsher than expected
Our October and November have transformed into a bleak December through February
Which in turn became a dark, rainy March through May
Followed by a painfully hot and uncomfortable June through August
And now September refuses to release you from its grasp, my beloved
The seasons are so cruelly passing us by
It’s almost as if you never were
But when leaves are shed and days disappear
I’ll close my eyes and I’ll listen for you in the wind
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Mother
Meandering through the billowing trees
A cold, almost winter sky coats the forest in a haze
Fallen branches and withered grass
Crunching beneath my feet with every small step
Your ghost fills me like a flood
Every breath, crystalizing my lungs
I can feel you
I can hear your sullen whispers blowing past the trees with the wind
I can smell the distinct scent of your skin as if you were cradling me in your arms
You are the trees, and the ground
You are the blurred light peeking through the fog
You are love, and you are life
You are here
But nowhere else
I’ll close my eyes
Let me remember the planes of your face
The slight curve at the end of your smile
Let me hear your soft voice
The sound of your sleeping exhale
Time has carelessly erased the memory of you
Leaving only fragments
Mere glimpses into the past
Nothing more
I’ll collect the pieces
Like shards of shattered glass
And keep them close to my heart
Strolling through the wilderness
Only thinking of you
A cold, almost winter sky coats the forest in a haze
Fallen branches and withered grass
Crunching beneath my feet with every small step
Your ghost fills me like a flood
Every breath, crystalizing my lungs
I can feel you
I can hear your sullen whispers blowing past the trees with the wind
I can smell the distinct scent of your skin as if you were cradling me in your arms
You are the trees, and the ground
You are the blurred light peeking through the fog
You are love, and you are life
You are here
But nowhere else
I’ll close my eyes
Let me remember the planes of your face
The slight curve at the end of your smile
Let me hear your soft voice
The sound of your sleeping exhale
Time has carelessly erased the memory of you
Leaving only fragments
Mere glimpses into the past
Nothing more
I’ll collect the pieces
Like shards of shattered glass
And keep them close to my heart
Strolling through the wilderness
Only thinking of you
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Coated in silence,
your eyes shine like diamonds.
I can't show them that I'm dying from the inside out.
There's comfort in your smile,
there's comfort in denial,
there's knowing I will never be the same.
Throw water on the fire,
let the coals burn out.
I don't think i'll be coming home again.
If I had one thing to say,
I never wanted things this way and
I would do anything I could to change it.
4 out of 5 times in my life...
I'm buried with what i believe in.
I'll swallow my pride,
because i know deep down inside
that when you look into my eyes,
you still believe in me.
Throw water on the fire,
Let the coals burn out.
I don't think i'll be coming home again.
If I had one thing to say,
I never wanted things this way and
I would do anything I could to change it.
I would do anything I could to change it.
your eyes shine like diamonds.
I can't show them that I'm dying from the inside out.
There's comfort in your smile,
there's comfort in denial,
there's knowing I will never be the same.
Throw water on the fire,
let the coals burn out.
I don't think i'll be coming home again.
If I had one thing to say,
I never wanted things this way and
I would do anything I could to change it.
4 out of 5 times in my life...
I'm buried with what i believe in.
I'll swallow my pride,
because i know deep down inside
that when you look into my eyes,
you still believe in me.
Throw water on the fire,
Let the coals burn out.
I don't think i'll be coming home again.
If I had one thing to say,
I never wanted things this way and
I would do anything I could to change it.
I would do anything I could to change it.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
love rant
Hi, I’m Jodi and I have never had sex with the same person more than 5 times. I have had sex with exactly 15 people, 12 of them were one night stands, I slept with two of them about twice, and that leaves the one who I had sex with around 5 times. Going through my sexual experiences, I have some serious regrets. While I was in the moment, I loved how spontaneous it all was. Everything was pure lust (well, most of the time at least). I was proud of how many people I had been with, I thought by doing this that I would be more sexually experienced than those who only slept with a few people.
I was so proud of myself, I used to keep a journal where I would rate how good the guy was in bed and how in love with me he was. It was a joke; all of those guys were a joke that my friends and I used to laugh at. I have mistreated so many nice guys by just flat out crushing their feelings or stringing them along with no intent for anything more. I thought that by being the one to sneak out in the morning, I had the upper hand. I didn’t realize the thoughts and emotions that were in play until I experienced the same for myself. I had never known this type of rejection because I was always the one to leave first. I used to think that I stayed emotionally unattached because I simply just wasn’t interested in the guy. Honestly, I feel like that was all a lie. I had never experienced rejection like that, but I had seen it in the eyes of those that I had rejected and I never wanted to feel that pain. I am a selfish coward, I could hurt others with no problem but I couldn’t handle it happening to me.
One day I woke up and I didn’t want to have one night stands anymore… I couldn’t. I just felt so lonely all of the time. I was so used to having guys want me, but no matter how many guys were interested in me, I was still completely alone. I just wanted one person to be able to cuddle in bed with until morning, without worrying about seeming clingy or what their roommates and friends would think. I had grown so tired of quietly getting out of bed once they fell asleep, tired of trying to find my socks in the dark without waking anyone up, tired of walking home at ungodly hours of the night looking like a mess, tired of never sharing more with these guys other than a fun night in bed, tired of it all. I just wanted something different… so I decided to be different.
I decided that for once, I would actually talk to the guys that were interested in me and that I would put effort into building some sort of friendship before anything went down. I longed for an emotional attraction instead of the physical attraction that I was so used to dealing with. But the moment I put myself out there for more than just a hook up is when I got hurt the most. Nothing hurts like the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and the person you fell asleep with is nowhere to be found. I was under the impression that the new vibe I was giving off read as, ‘Hey, I liked you enough to have an ongoing phone conversation with you for the past weekI liked you enough to be seen in public with you, even in that ridiculous sweater that you always wear. I liked you enough to lay there in bed with you and answer the questions you had about my past, no matter how much it still hurts me to talk about the death of my mother. I liked you enough to let you into my secret hiding place and you better be there when I wake up in the morning’. Maybe vibes were lost in translation, maybe you wanted to stay but you had somewhere that you absolutely had to be, or maybe you are just a complete asshole… no matter what the reason, you weren’t there when I woke up in the morning. It hurts when you reach your arm out to put around someone and they aren’t there. It hurts when you secretly hope to yourself that they’re in the bathroom or in the kitchen getting water, when really you know that they‘re nowhere near the bathroom or the kitchen. Nothing hurts more than the moment you look down at the pile of clothes on your floor right next to your bed and you realize that their clothes are gone. I never understood what I was putting others through. I wish that I had never experienced that pain, but sadly that isn’t the case.
Guy after guy, I put myself out there and I just keep getting completely let down. While I was perfecting the art of attracting guys with body language, I forgot to learn how to forge an actual relationship. I became the master of flirting from across a crowded room when I should have been learning how to build a relationship out of mutual respect and adoration. When I was younger, I thought that this was all a game. I thought that sex was just for fun and that real relationships were for the dull people of the world and the people who are incapable of flirting. I was wrong. I envy the people out there who have happy relationships. I envy the people who love and are loved in return. Reflecting upon all of my past sexual experiences makes me regret my life decisions so greatly. Everyone else was busy learning love and I was busy learning lust. I woke up one morning and just decided out of nowhere that it was time for me to lose my virginity so I went out and just did it, simple as that. I have never been more wrong about anything in my life. I was not ready, I’m still not ready. I wish that I had someone out there who could have told me to just wait, but I didn’t. So for anyone who might just happen to read this, please wait for someone that means something to you. Please wait for someone that you won’t regret. Please wait for someone who wants to be there in the morning when you wake up. If you wait for love, lust won’t matter.
I was so proud of myself, I used to keep a journal where I would rate how good the guy was in bed and how in love with me he was. It was a joke; all of those guys were a joke that my friends and I used to laugh at. I have mistreated so many nice guys by just flat out crushing their feelings or stringing them along with no intent for anything more. I thought that by being the one to sneak out in the morning, I had the upper hand. I didn’t realize the thoughts and emotions that were in play until I experienced the same for myself. I had never known this type of rejection because I was always the one to leave first. I used to think that I stayed emotionally unattached because I simply just wasn’t interested in the guy. Honestly, I feel like that was all a lie. I had never experienced rejection like that, but I had seen it in the eyes of those that I had rejected and I never wanted to feel that pain. I am a selfish coward, I could hurt others with no problem but I couldn’t handle it happening to me.
One day I woke up and I didn’t want to have one night stands anymore… I couldn’t. I just felt so lonely all of the time. I was so used to having guys want me, but no matter how many guys were interested in me, I was still completely alone. I just wanted one person to be able to cuddle in bed with until morning, without worrying about seeming clingy or what their roommates and friends would think. I had grown so tired of quietly getting out of bed once they fell asleep, tired of trying to find my socks in the dark without waking anyone up, tired of walking home at ungodly hours of the night looking like a mess, tired of never sharing more with these guys other than a fun night in bed, tired of it all. I just wanted something different… so I decided to be different.
I decided that for once, I would actually talk to the guys that were interested in me and that I would put effort into building some sort of friendship before anything went down. I longed for an emotional attraction instead of the physical attraction that I was so used to dealing with. But the moment I put myself out there for more than just a hook up is when I got hurt the most. Nothing hurts like the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and the person you fell asleep with is nowhere to be found. I was under the impression that the new vibe I was giving off read as, ‘Hey, I liked you enough to have an ongoing phone conversation with you for the past weekI liked you enough to be seen in public with you, even in that ridiculous sweater that you always wear. I liked you enough to lay there in bed with you and answer the questions you had about my past, no matter how much it still hurts me to talk about the death of my mother. I liked you enough to let you into my secret hiding place and you better be there when I wake up in the morning’. Maybe vibes were lost in translation, maybe you wanted to stay but you had somewhere that you absolutely had to be, or maybe you are just a complete asshole… no matter what the reason, you weren’t there when I woke up in the morning. It hurts when you reach your arm out to put around someone and they aren’t there. It hurts when you secretly hope to yourself that they’re in the bathroom or in the kitchen getting water, when really you know that they‘re nowhere near the bathroom or the kitchen. Nothing hurts more than the moment you look down at the pile of clothes on your floor right next to your bed and you realize that their clothes are gone. I never understood what I was putting others through. I wish that I had never experienced that pain, but sadly that isn’t the case.
Guy after guy, I put myself out there and I just keep getting completely let down. While I was perfecting the art of attracting guys with body language, I forgot to learn how to forge an actual relationship. I became the master of flirting from across a crowded room when I should have been learning how to build a relationship out of mutual respect and adoration. When I was younger, I thought that this was all a game. I thought that sex was just for fun and that real relationships were for the dull people of the world and the people who are incapable of flirting. I was wrong. I envy the people out there who have happy relationships. I envy the people who love and are loved in return. Reflecting upon all of my past sexual experiences makes me regret my life decisions so greatly. Everyone else was busy learning love and I was busy learning lust. I woke up one morning and just decided out of nowhere that it was time for me to lose my virginity so I went out and just did it, simple as that. I have never been more wrong about anything in my life. I was not ready, I’m still not ready. I wish that I had someone out there who could have told me to just wait, but I didn’t. So for anyone who might just happen to read this, please wait for someone that means something to you. Please wait for someone that you won’t regret. Please wait for someone who wants to be there in the morning when you wake up. If you wait for love, lust won’t matter.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
For all of you naive folks out there
Let me tell you a little something that took me a long time to learn:
Life never gets better.
No matter how shitty you had it in the past,
no matter how much you deserve a better future...
life doesn't work like that.
Shit doesn't get better, ever.
It only gets worse.
If you're lucky, it'll just plateau and nothing will change,
it'll still be shitty, but nothing will change.
But if you're like me, it will only get worse.
Don't be foolish and have hope because your heart will get crushed.
Its never going to get better for you.
Violence
Sickness
Death
Poverty
Depression
Suicide
Rape
Addiction
What else do I have to fucking go through before it gets better?!
Every day it just piles on and gets worse.
More sickness
More death
more poverty
more violence
an unbelievable amount of depression
Karma obviously isn't real because if it was, my life would be better by now.
I have been watching my family crumble from the day that I was born and it has never gotten better.
We're still crumbling
Falling so far
Losing faith
When will it end?
Life never gets better.
No matter how shitty you had it in the past,
no matter how much you deserve a better future...
life doesn't work like that.
Shit doesn't get better, ever.
It only gets worse.
If you're lucky, it'll just plateau and nothing will change,
it'll still be shitty, but nothing will change.
But if you're like me, it will only get worse.
Don't be foolish and have hope because your heart will get crushed.
Its never going to get better for you.
Violence
Sickness
Death
Poverty
Depression
Suicide
Rape
Addiction
What else do I have to fucking go through before it gets better?!
Every day it just piles on and gets worse.
More sickness
More death
more poverty
more violence
an unbelievable amount of depression
Karma obviously isn't real because if it was, my life would be better by now.
I have been watching my family crumble from the day that I was born and it has never gotten better.
We're still crumbling
Falling so far
Losing faith
When will it end?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Never have I met someone as in genuine as I
To all who are going to read this, if you are going to comment on it to tell me that I'm not a bad person, you are wrong... so don't try.
I am the most in genuine person I know.
I have gone through so much shit in my life that no matter how close someone thinks they get to me, its all a sham. I do not let anyone in on the true events of my life or what I am really feeling/thinking (well everyone except the readers of this blog).
I have best friends, and they can tell you about my life... but the majority of it is fabricated, well, truth twisted into a lie. no one will ever know how severe the events of my life have been except my family and I.
So many people that I loved/needed have gone in and out of my life since I was a child.
I trust no one.
No one really knows anything about me. They always think that they know me so well, but then I go and surprise them by my actions every other day. I have taught myself to mind fuck people so well that these poor people surrounding me don't even realize how much I am fucking with them.
They make it too easy, and its just a game for me. I fuck with people out of sheer enjoyment. Its entertaining. I don't feel bad, well no... I never used to feel bad, but I feel like with age, I'm growing a little more of a heart and now I just feel a little bad for everyone around me. But I still have no heart and I will fuck with them anyways. I don't really care too much. I have mind fucked people so well that I have actually made money off of it. Dumb asses are convinced that I could never be that bad of a person but no, I profit off of their dumb asses.
Well, I could go on and on all day about how little people actually know about me, but that is not the point of this post.
The point is, when does it stop for me? I don't know anything else but lying, cheating, and stealing. When can I finally be completely honest with a person about everything? Sometimes the thought of my relationships gets to me, it all catches up with me and I just think 'wow, I can't name one person in the entire world that knows me completely without all of the lies'. How fucking sad is that? I did it to myself, there is no one else to blame. Sometimes I just wish that I had someone, one person... someone that just knows me inside and out, someone who knows what I'm thinking just by seeing the look on my face. I want someone that will be there when I'm having a bad day that knows exactly how to make me feel better, someone that knows when im having a bad day just by seeing how i hold myself. I want someone to be able to look at me, just one glance, and make me laugh because I know we were thinking about the same thing. I want someone that I don't have to explain myself too, someone that knows I can't help but to be how I am... no matter how self destructive it is. I want someone that will realize when I am being genuine and not just saying shit to say it or to fuck with someone. I want someone who's energy just makes me feel a little bit better, someone who makes me happy just by being in the same room as them. I want someone who knows how to calm me down when I get angry. I want someone that my dad loves. I want someone that I can genuinely, completely, honestly, and wholeheartedly say that I love. I don't care what you look like, where you are from, how much money you have, who your family is, or what you want to do with your life... I just want you to be in mine.
Its too bad that the qualities I look for in a guy (as listed above), are impossible to find. Like I've heard before, I'm too crazy for any guy to keep up with me. Oh how much I would give for it to not be like that. The way I am has made me so lonely. I have being lonely. Someone save me.
I am the most in genuine person I know.
I have gone through so much shit in my life that no matter how close someone thinks they get to me, its all a sham. I do not let anyone in on the true events of my life or what I am really feeling/thinking (well everyone except the readers of this blog).
I have best friends, and they can tell you about my life... but the majority of it is fabricated, well, truth twisted into a lie. no one will ever know how severe the events of my life have been except my family and I.
So many people that I loved/needed have gone in and out of my life since I was a child.
I trust no one.
No one really knows anything about me. They always think that they know me so well, but then I go and surprise them by my actions every other day. I have taught myself to mind fuck people so well that these poor people surrounding me don't even realize how much I am fucking with them.
They make it too easy, and its just a game for me. I fuck with people out of sheer enjoyment. Its entertaining. I don't feel bad, well no... I never used to feel bad, but I feel like with age, I'm growing a little more of a heart and now I just feel a little bad for everyone around me. But I still have no heart and I will fuck with them anyways. I don't really care too much. I have mind fucked people so well that I have actually made money off of it. Dumb asses are convinced that I could never be that bad of a person but no, I profit off of their dumb asses.
Well, I could go on and on all day about how little people actually know about me, but that is not the point of this post.
The point is, when does it stop for me? I don't know anything else but lying, cheating, and stealing. When can I finally be completely honest with a person about everything? Sometimes the thought of my relationships gets to me, it all catches up with me and I just think 'wow, I can't name one person in the entire world that knows me completely without all of the lies'. How fucking sad is that? I did it to myself, there is no one else to blame. Sometimes I just wish that I had someone, one person... someone that just knows me inside and out, someone who knows what I'm thinking just by seeing the look on my face. I want someone that will be there when I'm having a bad day that knows exactly how to make me feel better, someone that knows when im having a bad day just by seeing how i hold myself. I want someone to be able to look at me, just one glance, and make me laugh because I know we were thinking about the same thing. I want someone that I don't have to explain myself too, someone that knows I can't help but to be how I am... no matter how self destructive it is. I want someone that will realize when I am being genuine and not just saying shit to say it or to fuck with someone. I want someone who's energy just makes me feel a little bit better, someone who makes me happy just by being in the same room as them. I want someone who knows how to calm me down when I get angry. I want someone that my dad loves. I want someone that I can genuinely, completely, honestly, and wholeheartedly say that I love. I don't care what you look like, where you are from, how much money you have, who your family is, or what you want to do with your life... I just want you to be in mine.
Its too bad that the qualities I look for in a guy (as listed above), are impossible to find. Like I've heard before, I'm too crazy for any guy to keep up with me. Oh how much I would give for it to not be like that. The way I am has made me so lonely. I have being lonely. Someone save me.
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